I bought a white bathrobe and splattered it with red paint just to freak out my neighbors when I go get the mail.
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I disapprove of what you say, but I will defend to the death your right to say it. Well maybe not to the death, I have this thing on Wednesday. But I’ll give an accurate description of your assailant to the police. Over the phone. I’m not leaving a name.
I have a draft that just says “rhino!” & I cannot even wrap my brain around why I thought that would make sense.
“As first lady you would be responsible for the White House china. Any thoughts?”
MELANIA TRUMP: Oh, Donald says he’s getting rid of China
Ocean’s 45:
The group gets bigger each heist
It’s too hard to keep secrets
Someone posts the next plan on Facebook
Everyone goes to jail
Maybe Kate Middleton ran away with me. You don’t know.
IF YOU CANNOT HANDLE ME AT MY WORST THAT IS FINE I AM A TERRIFYING AND POWERFUL THING AND ALL SHOULD LIVE IN FEAR
Why are flashlights marketed with law enforcement imagery? Every time I need one I feel like I’m some insecure prick trying to act like Rambo. Why are they shaming my need for light that way?
How could I possibly be dehydrated? I drank a bottle of wine just last night
My wife’s returning today after an 8-day trip, so I should probably dampen the kitchen sponge and re-position it.
All I’m saying is the second guy to bungee jump was honest about his weight.
“I’ve made my point.” -good worker at a pencil factory
“I could really use a side piece” was a phrase I uttered that didn’t help my jigsaw puzzle or my marriage.
Sometimes the best questions do not have immediate answers
We’re eating in 5 hours so I should probably start defrosting this turkey.
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i once saw a pigeon on the subway & it got off at the financial distribct & all i coud think was “cool. that bird makes more money than me”
Boss: It’s almost quitting time. Drinks?
Me: In my top desk drawer. Help yourself.
Boss:…
Kids today are so coddled- Elf on the Shelf, Toy Story. In my day, if dolls magically came to life, they murdered you and everyone you loved
My daugjter just ruined Toy Story for ever. She said if one of the toys died Andy wouldnt know and he’d carry on playing with its corpse
wife: Why is your back all scratched up?
[flashback to me chasing a raccoon after she told me to leave it alone]
me: I’m having an affair
A hypnotist made me believe I was a bendable metal with an atomic number of 82. I’m easily lead.
Orcas seemed to have stopped attacking people and somehow that’s scarier. What are they planning?
The cats activated the rainbow portal again
[first day as burglar]
me : OMG SNACKS
QUIZ SHOW HOST: So, Trevor, what would you do if you won the £100,000 jackpot?
CONTESTANT: Well, my brother lives in Australia, I haven’t seen him for 15 years after we fell out, so I think I’d send him a picture of me with the money.
Old joke:
Guy checks in at the airport and says: “I want this bag to go to Cleveland, this bag to go to Miami, and this bag to go to Las Vegas.”
Employee: “We can’t do that sir.”
Customer: “You did it last year.”
It’s kind of annoying that my wife said something about glistening but when I asked her to repeat it she just got mad.
If you ever get buried alive, use the extra time to think about what you did to put yourself in that situation so it doesn’t happen again.
Jim: What shall we name our new playground invention?
Roy: Idk. The playground business sure is a Jungle, Jim.
Jim: …Say that again.
What about “BusinessMyspace”? Nah, it’s taken. Okay, what about “LinkedIn”?