“I’m a doomsday prepper” I say to the Costco cashier as she scans 3 pallets of vodka and Uncrustables.
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I got a squished spider tattooed on the palm of my hand so I can walk around slapping people, no questions asked.
iPhone: I’m gonna update your software tonight while u sleep
*next morning*
iPhone: I couldn’t do it bro. just didn’t feel right. vibe was off
You know how people play video games by pushing all the buttons at once?
That’s how I’m handling adulthood.
Remember that it’s “i before e” …
Except when feigning a heist on a
weird, feisty, beige foreign neighbor.
Audi is coming out with a bigger SUV that seats twenty.
It’s the new Audi Torium.
At 11am my neighbour told me she’d been for a run, baked a cake and done 2 loads of laundry so I told her if she came at me with that kind of talk again I’d have to call the police
Me, first day as a prosecutor: *whispering* ᵍᵘⁱˡᵗʸ ᵖᵉᵒᵖˡᵉ ˢᵃʸ ʷʰᵃᵗ
Defendant: What?
Me: I rest my case, your Honor.
Some people throw pasta at the wall to see what sticks, while other people just learn how to cook pasta.
I sure talked a lot of shit about my mom’s bathrobe for someone who now wears one around the house like Snape storming through Hogwarts
[eyeing a beautiful woman]
ME: mmmm I love tight yoga pants
HER: they look terrible on you
Dating is easy. You just *goes into fetal position*
Is there anything more embarassing than saying you are logging out for awhile only to return ten minutes later? No.
Will that stop me from doing it? Also no.
There was a pretty girl in the produce section so to impress her I bought a mango
When I first met my husband I knew I’d see him again because I stole his watch.
succession fans be like “the next episode is gonna be CRAZY” and the episode in question is “sign this piece of paper” “no”
Hey Joe, don’t think we can use this ad.
Why not? We’re roofers.
Yes, but “Hot shingles in your area looking to get nailed” seems extreme.
4pm
Me: How was school today?
Kid: …6pm
Me: Do anything fun today?
Kid: …Bedtime
Me: Goodnight!
Kid: Guess what happened at school?
if you have a cat tell them i said pspspsps
Happy 3 year anniversary to working in a coffee shop at 6AM and my first customer was this lady in a fox costume on her way to surprise chase her daughter, who was afraid of mascots, down the street in Chicago
It takes two months to get fat and two years to get in shape.
Science is a lie.
Bloody Foreigner, coming over here, wanting to know what love is.
just saw a bunch of tourists take a selfie with a bunch of cops. this is why we must ban tourism
*Goes to bakery to try wedding cake samples*
Baker: “When is your wedding?”
Me: *with mouthful of cake*
“What wedding?”
Na Fa Fo Na Na Fo Fo -Sassy black girl giving me her digits.
Amazing how many stupid choices are made on smart phones.
The other day my son asked me who picks up the seeing eye dog’s poop.
Earth, 1980: please stop emitting so much carbon dioxide
People: lol nah
Earth, 2020: HEY REMEMBER WHEN I ASKED NICELY LOL
Protip: When your kid interrupts your next Zoom meeting just say “Oh, thats just the intern”.
I love the new #ObiWanKenobi poster but I also realized it totally works as a Tums ad.
[My first day as Lady Gaga]
*talking to my stylist*
just wrap ham around my face.