spider sees spiderman shoot webs out of his wrists:
oh OK yeah I can see why that’s a good way too.
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For sale: chocolate aeroplane, mint condition.
me: *falling asleep*
youtube: check out these top 13 most gruesome spatula related murders
me: you have my attention
I once made a mistake with plurals.
It was an amazing feet.
Be the horrifying backstory of your family’s lineage.
Whenever my teen cleans his room, I get a brand new set of dishes.
Every craft store needs an aisle labeled So Your Child Has a School Project Due Tomorrow.
If your wife says “take out the trash” do not reply with “you cooked it you take it out.”
If you’re head of the CIA and can’t hide an extramarital affair it means it can’t
be done. Case closed, fellas.
[Zoom Meeting]
Boss: Please take your mask off we can barely hear you.
Me, *Hasn’t shaved in three days because of masks*: I’ll talk louder.
[vasectomy]
Doctor: how did that vase get in there, again?
Coffee so strong, you finish the “to do” list, that you haven’t even written yet.
Guard dog? Service dog? Yeah, yeah…
When earth is invaded by evil aliens that look like pony tail holders, our cat will be a hero.
“How was your trip, boy?” I ask my dog, petting his glowing fur. “There’s been a development,” he says gravely, removing his space helmet
That scene in Home Alone where they count their kids but this time there’s one extra, so they sacrifice him
What do you call a really small strawberry? 🍓
Strawbarely.
#StrawberryDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
OMG, you guys, there’s a button on this stove that says “Stop Time”. Should I press it??
“THEY’RE PROBABLY MORE AFRAID OF YOU THAN YOU ARE OF THEM,” I shout, as a swarm of murder hornets attacks my friend Jeff
If you don’t have anything nice to say, you’ve come to the right place.
she’s already got guys telling her she’s beautiful. be different. send her a cheese board.
Me: How dare you accuse me of being drunk last night !?
Wife: You were laughing all night at the TV – that wasn’t even turned on!
I never eat breakfast at home, but when on vacation I go out for breakfast every day and am like “YES I’D LIKE THE STARVING LUMBERJACK GUTBUSTER PLATTER AND A SIDE PILE OF BACON.”
My husband: you don’t hear that beeping?
Me: The what?
Him: Its been going on for the last 15 minutes. How are you not hearing that?
*flashback to me reading as my kids orbit me crying and yelling “MOMMY MOMMY MOMMY”*
Me: Practice.
In 7000 years, some archeologist is going to be confused as shit after he unearths a stationary bicycle.
“i’m going to give them a piece of my mind” no you should hang onto those you’re running out
For a movie called IT, there were suprisingly few computers in it
We don’t know what’s in the vaccine. Could be anything. Microchips? Sure. Toxins? Maybe. Predatory birds? Definitely. This is all a plot to fill us full of falcons because the CDC is in the pocket of Big Talon.
Me – That’s the second First Baptist Church I’ve seen today.
Wife – OK?
M – One of them is lying.
W – You can’t ever shut it off can you?
[tracker kneels and examines spoor]
– A herd of idiots has passed this way but an hour ago.
– How can you tell?
– Look. Fresh nincompoop.
Me: I need the other guy
Him: I’m the head surgeon
Me: [with a broken foot] exactly