If you walk around eating a potato like an apple, no one will bother you.
You Might Also Like
You’ll be OK
The odds of being murdered by a chicken are low, but never zero.
Neighbor was watering her plants as if they owed her money like how would YOU like to be waterboarded lady
“I can’t possibly lose this if I put it here” I say to myself before completely forgetting where here is
If your job is so “essential” that you can’t get off for a killer global pandemic, you deserve $15 an hour and a union.
6YO: Can I eat a cookie?
Me: Finish your dinner first
6YO: My stomach is full except for a circle shaped space
My entry to the federal duck stamp art contest did not win.
Therapist: So you had another breakthrough?
Kool-Aid Man: Look I am so sorry we were making so much progress
Hand-sanitizer gives you that clean, my hands are still dirty, feeling.
Bring a hedgehog into the library and frantically ask the clerks where they keep the reverse spell casting books.
Priest: and do you, Lil’ Jon, take this woman to be your lawfully wedded wife?
Lil’ Jon: WHAT
Priest: you say “I do”
Lil’ Jon: OKAY
Priest: I do
Lil’ Jon: OKAY
Priest: I DO
Lil’ Jon: YEAH!
Twin: ya know how we always-
Me: -finish each other’s sentences!
Prison Warden: VISITING TIME IS OVER
Twin: so I had an idea…
GOD: why aren’t there more plants on earth?
ANGEL: the snails are doing a bad job of pollinating the flowers
GOD: ok then let’s go to plan bee
[new snowman watching the snowfall]
Is this *gags* is this flesh?
Parents:
If you hit one child with one of the others, you can say they were just fighting.You’re welcome…
flight attendant looks at me then looks at the no smoking sign then looks back at me then looks at the brisket i have in my smoker
My daughter’s school was closed for fog.
Back in my day, Godzilla could be destroying the city & the principal would be like “2-hour delay”
Whoever said money can’t buy happiness didn’t like things as much as I do.
Today, I want to talk about white couches and why ignoring the conventional wisdom was a terrible, avoidable mistake, Annie.
HER: [being led out in cuffs]
HIM: “Why is she being arrested?”
COP: “Fraud.”
HIM: “I don’t understand.”
COP: “She was faking it, sir.”
HER: “I’m so sorry, Stan.”
Forget solar power and wind power, we need to find a way to channel the unbridled rage 3yos have when they wake up into some kind of renewable energy. It’s the most powerful force on earth.
THEM: Yeah, I guess I’m just old-fashioned, I like TALKING on the phone like people used to do in more civil times.
ME: People used to burn witches and smoke on airplanes.
[at the bar]
Me: Let’s settle this like men
Him: *pulls out knife*
Me: *rips off clothes to reveal racquetball outfit*
Happy thanksgiving
What I said: GO TO BED!
What my kids heard: Start looking for a toy that was lost 5 years ago.
Dogs will go through amazing effort to get a better view of your plate
sugar glider wrangler
Insomnia: she’s not going to sleep again and it’s all your fault
Coffee: she likes me strong and takes me late at night
Me: can you two stop talking about me like I’m not right here
“If you’re not on medication no one will know how crazy you you are,” she said red flaggingly.
Me: I think we should take the next step. I want you to meet my parents
Her: now that we’ve been married for eleven years?