I am cool with January lasting forever because rent is due February 1
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Sasquatch: *to tv camera* Tonight we will try a human call and hope for a response. *clears throat* 🎵Sweet Caroline🎵
From a distance: 🎵Bah bah bah🎵
Sasquatch: You heard that! It was a human!
Camera Sasquatch: I don’t know. Could be a bird.
I…do not understand how electricity works.
I love how science fiction movies skip right to the fiction part.
My phone autocorrected “people” to “pricks” because my phone knows all of you
Wanna feel old? Subtract your birth year from the current year.
But have you tried acting like a cicada and screaming nonstop until someone has sex with you?
Next time someone says “I’m a hugger” and tries to hug me I’m gonna say “I’m a puncher” and see how it goes.
If you watch COPS backwards it’s just a bunch of people overcoming miraculous obstacles to win free drugs
Him: Can you decide quickly?
Me, 20 minutes later: No.
“I Spy” is the easiest game to win at cause you can just keep being like “nope that’s not it”
🛁
My wife used to make meals that would make Martha Stewart jealous. Then she joined Twitter…
Now I’m lucky if she buys cereal.
It’s all fun and games until your Uber driver pulls up and he’s driving a hearse.
*puts baby powder in a crib*
*adds water*
Me: “Hey Siri, what color are your panties?”
Siri: “Why would I be wearing panties?”
Me: “Oh, you’re such a naughty girl, Siri.”
Happy St. Paddy’s Day, everyone. I stayed in tonight. I’m not allowed to go out on St. Paddy’s Day anymore. It’s too much.
Instructor: Welcome to our Summer with Kids Preparedness class. Our first lesson is how to apply sunscreen. Everyone grab an angry raccoon.
Shout out to one of my friends who went to ice her Xmas cake & discovered a very happy boozy mouse in the tin 😂
boss: we have to let you go
me: why
boss: its the only speaking in lyrics thing
me: em…
boss: Although you’re not doing it now which is good
me: see!
boss: ok you can stay
me: *under my breath* a
Me, as a kid: Proud of myself for reading a 300 page book
Me, as an adult: Proud of myself for reading all 3 paragraphs of an email
Now that HBO has a partnership with Sesame Street we’ll finally learn how to spell the names of all the Game of Thrones characters.
I’m eating cheese paired with cheese crackers because self-care is dairy important to me
If your dog doesn’t come back when you call them just shout “Oh shit!” and look at the floor like you’ve dropped something
Ran into my neighbor in the hall and she told me she can’t wait to meet my partner.
…soooo I guess she’s heard me talking to myself.
Replacing all the mirrors at work with pictures of zombies. No one will notice.
{God Creating Humans}
Shave that monkey and make it complain about everything.
Them: I really really really want a zigga zig ahhh
Hostage negotiator: ok but you need to let the women and children go first.
No, please continue to talk loudly on the phone, smoke & spit next to my table. No problem! I’m just going to follow you home and kill you.
ME: (peeing in the corner of the elevator)
GUY: We’re not even stuck.
Can some of you who who post pictures of your muscles come over Saturday and help me move?