the word “crocheting” pisses me off. like check out this new word guys, it’s called crowshaying but we’re gonna spell it like screaming with your head in a metal bucket.
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Have your tribal tattoo call my tramp stamp and let’s make beautiful, douchey babies together.
Monday 8am: I write a list of things that must get done today.
Monday 6pm: I scratch MON off of the top of the entire list and write TUES.
Sometimes if I trip on a crack I act like it’s no biggie by breaking into a jog and don’t stop until I’m in a new city with a new life.
your honor my client feels very bad he got caught
co-pilot: “ask in a way that won’t panic everyone”
pilot: “ok” [via intercom] “is there a fireman on the plane?”
Today I found out my nephew is scared of the vacuum..
Today I also found out I have a very dark cruel evil side to me..
Flex on your dinner host by excusing yourself mid meal to go take a bath
“I’m in the middle of an Adam Sandler movie” isn’t a good excuse to get out of anything.
I know this now.
Captcha: pick all the squares with worms
Me: *sigh* why is it always click bait
If you’re not going to learn the language of the country you’re visiting, at least take interpretive dance lessons.
CASHIER: its declined
ME: run it again
C: sir, is this one of those fake credit cards they mail out
ME: no
C: your name is “local resident”?
Me: *shoots gun*
Cop: you’re under arrest for murdering a gun
My next-door-neighbor is such a bitch that regardless of what she says to me; I simply reply, “You’re barking up the wrong tree.”
asian women will be in palo alto pushing a $5000 stroller holding a birkin wearing 2-3 cartier bracelets having a 5 carat diamond ring wearing chanel sunglasses and some blonde woman wearing yoga pants at the grocery store will be like are you the nanny
*takes chip clip off Funyuns bag*
*bites into Funyun, discovers it’s stale*
*throws chip clip across room*
“You had one job”!
Remember kids, you only burn in hell if you are religious.
My kids prefer apples without peel, sandwiches without crust, cherries without pits, and fathers without spare time.
Imagine being hungry and some guy tries to teach you to fish
SAURON: I shall create three rings for the elves, seven for the dwarf lords and nine for mortal men
HOBBITS: wow ok none for us cool
SAURON: and thus I shall have dominion over all the civilised races of middle earth
HOBBITS: WOW
If you come to my house and see a coffee cup upside down on the floor, just be my hero and put the spider outside please.
PATIENT: I’ve been so stressed out lately. What can I do?
DR DOG (tail wagging like crazy): Studies show that petting dogs relieve stress
I hate the crossword. If someone asked me in person to name “Someone getting dressed for lunch?” and then they smiled wryly and said “salad” I would ruin their life
*pronounces bondage like corsage.
My son said that he was bored so I told him he could vacuum, dust or clean the kitchen & Oh! Look at that!
He’s nowhere to be found.
“Are we there yet?”
“ Ha ha! Yes, kids. We’ve been here the whole time! We live in this car now.”
North Korea is like that annoying kid in high school who was always threatening you with nuclear weapons
*walks in on family gathering*
I AM NOT CLEANING UP ALL OF THIS BLOOD
“Dad, what do you hate most about being divorced and living alone?”
“It takes 1 month for me to fill up the goddamn dishwasher.”
if u disregard the teeth, shark attacks are actually kinda cute