I love getting socks for Christmas idk what you people are complaining about
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just had a salad but it didn’t make me laugh like women in stock photos
I think we figured out which one was Destiny’s child.
Yesterday I drove past a sperm bank that had gone out of business.
I guess that means no one came.
My husbands pet name for me is “What did you do to the non-stick pan?”
*lies down on couch*
*turns on TV*
*covers up with blanket*
*adjusts pillows perfectly*
[from other room: “Honey can you come here please?”]
“No,” said the bus driver, not even taking an eye off the road. Feeling my face reddening with anger but not wanting to cause a wreck, I calmy repeated myself, “I need you to give me back my kazoo right now please.”
Doctor: You have a problem. Your liver is enlarged.
Me: So I have more room for bourbon now?
Doctor: I hate this job.
One minute she’s saying “put yourself in my shoes” and the next it’s all “well you’ve gone and ruined them now, you idiot”
[eating something that until 40 years ago was considered a once-in-a-lifetime delicacy only fit for royalty]
Me: it’s a little cold 😤
Probably my best painting.
ME: I need to return this blender
WALMART EMPLOYEE: Why?
ME:(thinking about how i broke it trying to blend rocks to make sand)
“Its haunted”
Signature Move
The best writer’s defense is a good writer’s offense
[Horsemen tryouts]
APOCALYPSE: I like u guys but I only need 4
*Death, War, Famine, Conquest & Steve look at each other*
STEVE: dang it
Boomers: we don’t share our feelings.
Millennials: we share all of our feelings.
Gen X: feelings?
terminator: come with me if you want to live
me:
terminator: I said–
me: I’m thinking
I don’t know about anyone else but the second I see a cop in my rear view mirror..I know he’s running my plates and about to pull me over for the bank heist I imagined last week..
Everyone wants gift cards now so on Christmas morning it’s just a lot of passing envelopes. It looks like a mob wedding.
This one’s “Alex”.
me: *emerging from a ten year coma*
dad: well look who finally got up
wife: you’re listening to too much theatrical heavy metal
Me: behold! The weaver of lies! A dark seamstress of shadows lurks amongst us
My milkshake brings all the boys to the yard and I’m like “Get outta here boys! I didn’t get this chubby by sharing my milkshakes!”
“When neighbors start talking, good things happen.” 🏡
Our Summer schedule is now out! No one gets you to the beach faster. Book now.
My kids got to meet a fireman at dinner last night. How and why they got to meet a fireman is not important.
Only when you have finished cleaning the entire kitchen, will a teenager appear from the basement with a weeks worth of dishes.
9yo: Dad, how come you’re so good at Mario Kart but so bad at driving your car?
Me: Go to your room.
If I agreed with you, we’d both be wrong
Psychic: I’m also a medium.
Me: I’m a large or extra large depending on the brand.
I’ve never learned anything from a good decision.
Married people be like:
[Quarantine, day 3]
It’s been 89 days since I last had sex