I hate when my camera rings, in the middle of a selfie.
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me: *signing to gorilla*
gorilla:*signs back*
reporter: how long did it take him to learn that?
gorilla: years
“I’m calling you because you’re easy.”
“You’re not even very good.”
“You’re just the best I can do this late.”Dominos: “Your order, Sir?”
My years of napping and making out with strangers have prepared me for a solid career as a CPR dummy
GUYS GUYS GUYS, I just saw this dude wearing the stupidest . . . False alarm, just a mirror.
Press 1 for English
Presione 2 para español
Press 0 for operator
Press 7 to talk to Randy about the rad seats he had at a Van Halen concert
*wears an “Only God Can Judge Me” t-shirt to court*
Me: C’mon.
Dog: No.
Me: Let’s go.
Dog: No.
Me: Please?
Dog: YOU TRYING TO KILL ME?!?
Me: It’s just rain.
Dog: I already pooped in your shoe.
Guy science: The proper amount of time for a pan to soak before cleaning it is until you need to use it again.
Drunk Draft Folder Contents:
“Trees. LOL.”
“I was born once. Pickles.”
“Spice Girls”
“Toes. Are on my feet. Both feet. Not just one.”
Trees put cats in their hair so they can flirt with firefighters when they climb up them.
The pumpkin was invented in 1942 when a watermelon put on corduroys.
[1st date]
me: are you cold?
date: *shivering* a little
me: *putting second hoody on* that sucks
If someone doesn’t reply to my text I can only assume they have fallen down a well and will get back to me as soon as they can
Accidentally put Red Bull in my coffee maker this morning. I was going 130 mph down the interstate when I realized that I forgot my car.
6YO: Can I eat a cookie?
Me: Finish your dinner first
6YO: My stomach is full except for a circle shaped space
[ouija board]
Who are you?
*board begins spelling*
G-R-E-E-N–M-A-R-I-O
What the — a Luigi Board?!
W-A-H-O-O–I-T-S-A–M-E
Mary on Facebook says this generation is way to reliant on technology…
She then sent me 7 Candy Crush invites
Goldfish1: Check out my new castle.
Goldfish2: Castles are symbols of feudalistic oppression of the agrarian working class.
Goldfish1: Calm down. Take a lap around the bowl.
[5 seconds later]
Goldfish2: Hey, cool castle!
(t.v.)“If you come face to face with a bear in the wild, you want to make yourself look as big as possible…”
me(eating a 1/2 gallon of ice cream): ok
Ther are two microwaves in my office kitchen, one is for exploding lasagnas and the other one is for exploding other different lasagnas
Tear gas is the saddest gas.
Sorry I’m late, I was waiving my hands at a paper towel dispenser that turned out to not be automatic.
Dammit Chief not again
BEEKEEPER: *opens up beehive and finds a peanut butter and jelly sandwich* If that’s here…
KID: *opens up lunchbox in school cafeteria*
cornerman: get in there and hit him right between the eyes
boxer: but there’s SO many eyes
mr. potato head: *cracks knuckles*
Two tips for faster jogging: hot guy in front of you and creepy dude behind
I live in constant fear that someone will abduct my mother in law at 35 Ash Street, London, Flat 2, door is sticky buzz Carol to let you in.
It’s only a matter of time before one of you people’s tweets are used against you in a murder trial
If you collect the crumbs from one Nature Valley granola bar you can make three more granola bars.
Prince Charming: I will awaken her with love’s sweet ki–
Sleeping Beauty: five more minutes