im not pinning my selfies. forage for me like a little rat
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if I ever lose an eye, I’ll want plastic surgery to move the remaining one to the middle
I should’ve known inventing a boomerang with teeth would come back to bite me.
I’m on a roof fixing gutters. If I was on roofies, I’d be in a gutter. HAHAHAH I’M SO FUNNY!
reading a book about blimps and every other sentence is like “unfortunately there was a 10 mph crosswind and the blimp exploded”
Ok, I’ve joined #Mastodon but also this
To be honest, the only reason I’m interested in space is to experience the sublime satisfaction of throwing an enemy out of an airlock.
“Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Waldo, Not Waldo”–Where’s Waldo Audiobook
Hotel reviews are pure chaos. You’ll read, “Breathtaking lobby. Extraordinary suites. My stay filled me with a deep & lasting sense of peace.” Then the next one’s like, “This dump is FILTHY! Elevator was SLOW! Ice machine TIPPED over & I’m STILL pinned BENEATH IT!!!”
date: what turns you on?
me: cartoon superhero movies
date: [laughing] incredible
me: yah that’s my go to
Sometimes when I’m about to sneeze, I snort some glitter. Then when I finally sneeze, glitter fills the air and people think I’m a wizard.
Everything goes as planned when nothing’s planned.
Fairly sure most parole boards are more lenient than my wife in deciding who gets our holiday card
In 7000 years, some archeologist is going to be confused as shit after he unearths a stationary bicycle.
Day 1 self-isolation: *has enough snacks to last 2 weeks
Day 2 self-isolation: *runs out of snacks
I’m trying to envision something more fitting than this election actually ending in a Biden-Trump fist fight and i cannot
If Dracula were on Grindr, he would be looking for a guy with a blood sausage.
Why is it always big, scary houses that are haunted?
It’s never “oh my god, don’t go into Kevin’s efficiency apartment, there’s a ghost in there!!!”
[news anchor]
“New study shows that sex can lower blood pressure.”
Me: Did-
Wife: Your blood pressure is fine
A psychiatrist is just a friend you pay to listen to your problems because your other friends are tired of hearing about them.
Slept on the floor last night for fun with the kids and now I’m paralyzed
I’m eating a vegan lunch today. Sure, it’s six sleeves of Smarties and a Diet Coke, but I’m still better than you.
[God creating humans]
God: Make them really bad at remembering stuff like first names, birthdays, etc
Angel: And things like traumatic experiences too?
God: Haha no. They’re going to remember those forever lol
Friend: oh my god there’s two of you
My evil clone: I’m the real one, I swear
Me: [remembering I promised I’d go out and socialise tonight] yea she’s right
Veteran Parent Tip:
Buying a bullhorn to loudly announce from your car, “Your Uber driver has arrived!” gives you a 73% greater chance of your teens no longer making you wait when picking them up from a friend’s house
When you set up a LAN for an 8 yr old kid’s birthday party at and then they ask you to play
I was going to eat a salad today, but then I remembered I’m not a rabbit.
Good for you, the 3 people trying to keep MySpace alive. Good. For. You.
Each year millions of innocent lives are lost when they accidentally board the wrong plane bound straight for the waiting mouth of a child.
It’s 4:20 do you know what that means?!?
It means only 40 minutes left to get 8 hours of work done.
Signed, sealed, delivered.
Me: Wrong address.