I know I shouldn’t make hot beverages from fish parts, but it’s just my gill tea pleasure.
…No, YOU shut up.
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A girl on the bus just batted her eyes at me, but I ducked and they flew out the window.
You don’t scare me. You’re not my mom saying, “I’m gonna tell your father” after she found out I broke the TV.
last night I told my four year old I loved her and she said “I love you so much that if someone chopped your head off I’d carry it around forever in a bag”
“I sold my hair to buy you a watch chain!”
“we said we werent doing gifts what the hell why did you sell your hair i didnt get you anything”
ME: Honey, I bought a Pet Rock
WIFE: A WHAT?
ME: Shhh, you’ll make him nervous
DWAYNE JOHNSON: *already peeing all over the carpet*
Her: “Want to see a picture of my baby?” Me: “Does it look like a baby?” Her: “Yes…” Me: “Seen it”
Raise your hand if you ever ran out of toilet paper and had to use a coffee filter.
So, just me..
Growing a beard is the closest I’ve come to caring for an animal.
My husband just got to level three on netflix: “faking an illness” to finish binge watching
I’m on level 6: “faking your own abduction”
*jesus rubs his temples before giving a sermon*
anyone else feel like choking that seagull over there?
I always forget that Justin Bieber is Canadian, and then I remember that one of his biggest hits was called “Sorry”.
Accepting donations for my opossum’s quinceanera.
2015: I can’t believe people think the dress is blue and black
2016: I hope the human race doesn’t destroy itself forever in violent chaos
“I’m a skeleton!”
*kisses and hugs you*
Stop that!
*kisses and hugs you again*
What kind of skeleton are you?!?
“An XO skeleton”
Billion dollar technology idea:
A printer that works
It’s amazing how soft hotel towels become after you wash them at home.
I have a problem with gingerbread people living in houses made of their flesh, but I promised not to bring it up and ruin Christmas again this year.
Child: I can’t wait to be older.
Me [tweezing grey hairs growing out of my ear]: There is literally no greater joy.
“i acknowledge that i have read and agree to the above terms and conditions”
Went to the gym for the first time in months. It turns out I’m more ready for exhuming than I am for exercising.
*cooking omelette for GF*
Me: “Want extra cheese, babe?”
Gf: “Sure baby”
*slowly turns up Aerosmith’s ‘I Don’t Wanna Miss a Thing’*
FINALLY A BEAUTIFUL DAY THAT ISN’T 100 DEGREES OR POURING RAIN
[frogs start falling from sky]
Me: I love eating nerds
Boy: (brings me Nerds candy)
Me: no, not that kind.
“I thought it might be nice to go round the room and say a bit about ourselves”
Oh dear you thought wrong.
me: anything interesting happen today?
my 8yo: I finally got a booger out of my nose that’s been there since I was 5.
It’s like my father always used to say, “[years of silent disappointment]”
pls stop saying grace,,,you are diverting God from solving crimes
my uncle walked in to chistmas, filled a plate, ate in a separate room, and left. he was here 4 minutes
I’ll eat when I’m dead
– zombies
If I ever have to have open heart surgery I hope my fridge busts in and stares into open me for ten minutes hoping to see something good