boss: you’re fired
me: [slamming fist on couch] you woke me up for this?
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I was called a village idiot today which really upset me. I live in a city.
Spreading a sheet of creamy peanut butter onto a dinner plate & then eating it with a knife & fork.
I was bit by a radio active spider so now I wear a rubber suit, swing around like a monkey and use karate, you know, like a spider.
Whenever somebody says “it is what it is” I reply with “and it’s not what it’s not” so they’ll realize just how stupid they sounded
[whispering to beached whale] Do you come here often?
I’m supposed to wear a blouse and slacks to an event. This looks like a job for FuneralPants.
[heist]
Me: *presses stethoscope against bank safe
Thief: well?
Me: omg…
[cut to safe being pushed rapidly down hospital corridor]
What did everyone get for Christmas this year? Just kidding, I know it’s omicron.
the joker: lol i’m going to get rid of the one thing you care most about
batman [through gritted teeth]: pancakes
robin [slowly being dropped into pool of sharks]: what
[comedy club]
GIRAFFE: What’s the deal with scarves?
TORTOISE: [in the audience] lmao this guy gets it
There are things I say outloud as a parent that before I had kids I would have never believed needed to be said and “if you don’t actually apply the sunscreen to your body it will not work” is one of those things.
My wife handed me a clean towel and asked me to “put it in its place.” So, I looked at it and said, “Don’t forget that you’re only a towel,” and I was reminded yet again of just how lucky this woman was to be married to me.
Nobody:
8: “Mommy! Did you know that cowboys say YEE-HA! and ninjas say HEE-YA!”
Just saw that french fries, sugar, and coffee speed up the aging process, so my age right now is 172.
Who called it cremation and not ashashination
Just know that when times get tough and you see two sets of footprints in the sand, that’s when Elmo and Tracy Chapman are carrying you
Wife: Where’d you buy my gift?
Me: Bed Bath & Beyond
Wife: You used a coupon right?
Me: Coupon?
*wife faints*
God: where’s your horn
Unicorn: i sold it for drugs
God: throw this fucken horse in jail–the invention of zebras
mugger: *points gun* your money or your life
me: sure thing *hands him my id* you got 2 kids and didn’t actually understand the matrix
mugger: no i mean-
me: *already running away* your late for steph’s recital
Come back with a warrant
When singers at concerts hold out the mic for the audience to sing, it’s like what am i, your maid
[Inventing Squash]
FRIEND: What are you doing?
ME: I just [smashes ball] really hate this wall
FRIEND: u know what [grabs racket] so do I
Have you ever thought about how weird it is that one of your hands is dumber than the other?
i am going as a ‘credit card’ to this halloween party, cause i plan on being used irresponsibly.
When you open your heart to someone, there is blood. Lots and lots of blood. And then you die. So don’t open your heart.
If Jesus was from Nazareth, why does he have a Mexican name?
How do I explain to this bank teller than I’m just robbing her and not the bank?
“My grammar is terrible,” I said untruthfully, as I lied on the bed.
Not to brag but drunk me just decided to start taking pictures for sober me in the morning…
Birds wouldn’t be so smug in zero gravity, I bet