Calm down penguins. You’re just a flashy suit and a few body parts away from being a platypus.
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i NEVER VOTED FOR A PRESiDENT BECUZ iF iM GUNNA WASTE MY GAS THEN iT BETTER BE ON SOMETHiNG iMPORTANT LiKE DRiViNG TO CHiCK-FiL-A
7yo: Is that you in the picture?
Me: Yes. Isn’t it fun looking at old pictures?
9yo: You look different.
7: Yes, your face was skinnier.
9: Your hair looks way better in the picture.
Me: That’s enough fun for one day.
I wouldn’t want lesbian parents. Not because I’m homophobic. I just don’t want to get stuck in an endless loop of “Go ask your mother.”
I just ate an entire cake to get the taste of salad out of my mouth.
You look at the top of your phone screen and see the ringer off and alarm clock icons and wonder when you got old and boring and responsible
[lumberjack interview]
BOSS: I’m gonna “axe” you a few questions. Haha do you get it?
ME: Yeah I “saw” that coming
BOSS: Ooo welcome aboard!
Just heard the phrase naturally boneless chicken and that’ll keep me awake tonight.
On the list of things I fear the most, “death” comes in as a close second to “audience participation”
I need some sun. My legs are so white they just drove to Whole Foods in their Prius.
if my house is ever clean just know i must have murdered someone in there.
Wonder who’s getting killed off this season on Sesame Street
*conducting job interview* And what would you say your biggest weakness is? Other than that haircut.
I have 3 kids and often wonder what their future holds.
10: will be a teacher
5: a doctor
3: a dictator – just not sure which country she will take over yet. So many choices, but I’m thinking Canada because they are so polite and she is scary AF.
I use these ( … ) a lot.
For which, I believe, the technical term is Dotty Dot Dots.
Can’t wait to win the kids Easter egg hunt for the 32nd year in a row!
I was bummed that I didn’t have any candy then I remembered I can take probably 90% of small children in a fight
Son: When did u know you were old?
Me: When I started saying ‘congratulations’ to friends who said they were pregnant instead of ‘oh shit.’
when someone corrects my pronunciation of a word, my brain immediately snaps to how many polite people just nodded and let me sound dumb before
{my first day as a football announcer}
wow those guys really want that coconut there must be a genie inside.
My biggest skydiving fear is that the person strapped to my back will try to talk to me
Employee: You know what’s neat?
Me: Whiskey in a glass without ice?
Of all the millions and trillions of literary devices, hyperbole is my favorite.
‘Your legs, your thighs, they got me hypnotized’
~me talking to my KFC
Next on CNN, 600 hours of guessing what happened to a plane.
Woke up last night and the ghost of Gloria Gaynor was standing over my bed. At first I was afraid, i was petrified.
[raises hand] is it ok to drink the bath water if you’ve only been in it for a few minutes
[my health teacher opens the drawer he hides his scotch in]
Me: *just trying to pick up my groceries in peace*
7: can I have a plastic ax? I promise I won’t hit you with it.
(My romance novel)
“You have a pretty face,” he said.
“Thank you,” she said, lifting up her bangs. “I’ve got even more face under here.”