Fun fact: Through late fees, I alone kept Blockbuster going from 2003-2005.
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[last supper]
judas: this could’ve been an email
If you look in the mirror & say “pumpkin spice latte” 3x a white suburban girl will appear & tell you everything she loves about the fall
A shock absorber sounds like something you need for when you’re watching the news.
My dad lost his job at the cemetery yesterday. He buried someone in the wrong plot. It was a grave mistake.
I can’t believe the tasteless and offensive things some people tweet.
Seriously, I just saw a recipe for homemade mac n cheese.. they only used one kind of cheese😳 and they didn’t put the bread crumble on top!!
[petting stranger’s dog]
Me: what kind of dog is it?
Him: a hot dog please stop
Forever Alone Barbie: Comes with 20 cats, and a Twitter account. Alcoholism and debilitating depression not included.
My local spa has an oxygen room, which begs the question: what the heck is in all the other rooms?
You don’t even want to know what people have used the ice tongs in your hotel room for.
I was flattered when my crush added her stick figure to my mini van. I can’t wait to hear what my wife thinks…
Your girlfriend isn’t hallucinating man, she’s actually seeing other people.
The wife wants me to be a doctor in our sex role playing. So I guess I’ll make her wait an hour, then send her to a specialist
Not everyone thinks of Cleopatra as beautiful.
That’s just how Julius Caesar.
My 8yr just said we go together like biscuits and cream cheese. And I can’t tell if that’s a compliment or contradiction
Me: Yells at my kids to stop wasting water.
Also me: Washes same load of laundry three times.
Kids will keep you humble. If not by their words, then by the picture they drew of you.
[magicians backstage] don’t panic guys but I think we really just sawed that woman in half
Rachel Ray now makes cat food with real beef just like the cows my cat would eat in the wild.
Sometimes I get my Twitter app and my Tinder app confused. I know now that talking about skin suits to prospective dates is not “funny”.
Officer: Ma’am we take these complaints very seriously so we do need to search your home.
Me: But not the basement, right?
god: you get to hang out with man and be his best friend
dog: cool
god: and you get to be man’s steed and travel with him far and wide
horse: nice
chicken: and what do i get to do?
god: uhhh
chicken: god what do i get to do
*bees surround guy*
AHHH GET THEM AWAY
“Don’t make any sudden movements” *suddenly the Macarena comes on*
Oh no…
[prison]
CELLMATE: what are you in for?
ME: (actually in jail for jumping a fence to hug a panda) murder
Yeah… My camera adds 30 pounds. But Photoshop takes it back off.
I’m not exaggerating when I say I’m into old guys — the last guy I dated had an aol email address.
Yesterday, I accidentally swallowed some food coloring.
The doctor says I’m okay, but I feel like I’ve dyed a little inside.
Tired of being hit by cars? Fed up with being scraped off the road? Sick of fighting off vultures after you’ve been pancaked?
Sidewalks™
10’s teacher: Your son has excellent grades
Me: Cool
Teacher: And a very sarcastic sense of humor
Me: *tears up* I couldn’t be more proud
My dog just came downstairs and made me go back to bed like he’s in charge of me or something.
Anyway, I’m back in bed now if anybody needs me
THOUGHTS AND PRAYERS TO ALL THE BROS ON INSTAGRAM WHO CAN’T AFFORD SHIRTS