i love contactless delivery they just throw the slop at your door and i run out like a little pig
You Might Also Like
Satan: What’s that?
God: Babies. I made them the sweetest creatures in the universe.
Satan: I see. *invents screaming*
God: lol good one!
i don’t believe this you guys, they’re lying on the news. right to my face
Sorry, I can’t be the bigger person. I’m the size of the average 4th grader.
Me: Our neighbor is such a perv
Wife: Is he staring at our bedroom window again?
Me: *sets down binoculars* Yep
the hippothalmus is the part of the brain that controls how hungry hungry you get
Is there also a milkshake that will keep all the boys away from my yard?
[at the doctors]
me: *opens wide and goes ahh*
proctologist: how the hell r u doing that?
Cellphones have two brightness settings: “dim” and “the messiah is back”
Sex is great and all but have you ever blown a snot rocket that opened your nasal passage up again?
[grocery store]
Me (chewing): why are these grapes expensive
Cashier: We know ppl eat them before they pay
Me (still chewing): well I never
3 years into a relationship and you get a text “i need space” loooool lets sell some furniture then
‘I’ve been a very naughty girl!’ she said, licking her lips, ‘I need to be punished . . .’
So he invited his mother to stay for Christmas.
[summoning the devil]
me: come to us!
satan: [rising from floor] who summons me?
mom: [comes in] hi honey i thought you and your friends might want some snacks and-
me: mom get out!
satan: susan is that you?
mom: oh my god! satey?
satan: unholy shit how long’s it been?
Talking vulture: You dead yet? What about now? OK, I’ll wait.
meanwhile over on facebook
[creation of spinach]
God: Make it slimy and gross when they cook it, like seaweed. And it should be dark green, and when they eat it, it sticks in their teeth.
Angel: Is everything okay at home?
Interviewer: “need anything before we start?”
Hold on let me get my e-cig out of my PT cruiser
“…Actually the position has been filled”
Hormones are cool if you like crying during dog food commercials.
america, 1969: let’s put a man on the moon
teletubbies, 1997: we’re gonna put a baby in the sun
Phones down.
Saw a young couple holding hands today & it reminded me that I need to buy a bottle of vodka
General Anesthesia implies the existence of Major Anesthesia.
What’s the dumbest thing you bought when you were drunk?
I spent $30 on fish food and I don’t have a fish
My kid in a house made of snacks, lying on a bed made of snacks, wearing clothes made of snacks, while eating a snack: “Can I have a snack?”
My ex is selling the vehicle I lost my virginity in. I really loved that skateboard.
the UK fascinates me because what sort of place can’t commit to a Prime Minister for three months but remains committed to the idea that fried blood sausage is an acceptable breakfast item for 600 years
*teaching 13 to cut the grass
Me: Go back and forth across in straight lines, slightly overlapping so you don’t miss any spots. Got it?
13: Yep
13: *cuts three circles, two triangles and a Rhombus into the yard.
A charcuterie board is about what’s on top of the board? I thought y’all were picking side items to make eating wood more palletable.
[first day as doctor]
ME: *holding patient’s hand* I have some bad news
PATIENT: what is it
ME: I amputated the wrong hand
subtitles are so good nowadays