At the grocery. Wearing my mask. Lady behind me, snarky & loud enough to make sure I heard, “don’t guess she realizes that stupid mask won’t do any good.” Me: “Honey, I’m an off duty nurse, I’m wearing it to protect YOU. But, I can take it off if you’d like.” She practically ran.
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Juliet: you know it’s true love, when you finish each other’s-
Romeo: LIFE
Juliet: [sighs all annoyed] like why do you say shit like that?
If I could meet any celebrity it might have to be David Schwimmer. In a schwimming pool. Learning how to schwim.
“I’d like to raise a toast.”
*Levitates bread*
It’s weird how many of my ancestors were sepia-toned.
website: select a security question
me: ok
website: make of first car
me: nah
website: mother’s maiden name
me: nope
website: the number of ducks you saw that one time in camp
me: bingo
Every McDonald’s should have a flag they fly at half mast when the ice cream machine is broken
If by living dangerously you mean eating stuff that upsets my tummy; then yes, I live dangerously
Ooh. Remove card RAPIDLY, not RABIDLY. I think I owe the lady at pump 2 an apology.
Wife: Don’t you hate when you eat something that’s not very satisfying but it’s too late to eat something else?
Me: Too late?
The great thing about having a mouse in your house is that I’m sure it’s just the one mouse probably.
Look son, every man is nervous the first time. Just take a deep breath, walk up to her, look her in the eye and ask her for directions.
Apple managed to launch IPhone 8 and make it outdated all in a span of 25 minutes #AppleEvent
Going topless is a vibe. Yes my friend’s car is a convertible.
Voicemails that say check your email is why I prefer animals.
If you say ‘poo freed’ instead of proofread, literally no one can tell the difference.
[first day as a beekeeper] my pockets really hurt
I’m saving myself for marriage.
Sorry, FROM. Saving myself FROM marriage.
Damn, I just realized that my employees do their jobs in order to get paid, and not out of any sense of family or loyalty to the company. Has anyone else heard of this phenomenon??
Marriage is alright if you like someone coming home and telling you about their day in the middle of your movie
who said “fortune favors the prepared” instead of “ready player won”?
I just learned to use Instagram, so you guys can all rest assured that it is officially no longer cool.
I don’t hold a grudge. I need both hands free for the chainsaw.
I’m white, but not “my kitchen island is so big it has its own zip code” white
Son got a RC drone for Christmas. Used it twice and never touched it again. I’ve become a bit of an expert on it chasing the neighbour’s cat out the garden when he comes for a dump. I can get the drone on and out the window in thirty seconds and chase him across six gardens.
The bouncer used to check the lining of my hat for weapons when I walked into a bar and now they have entire axe throwing ranges that serve alcohol
My super power is not uttering a word and yet still saying the wrong thing.
My son is 6’2” and he just said loudly from another room “god I can smell my feet from here and I’m standing up” so yes, I will be burning those shoes
freezing my eggs so i can chuck em at his house later
them: I’ll call you, we’ll do coffee
me outwardly: yay
me inwardly: nope
I’ve matured a lot. For example, I used to listen to Fall Out Boy and break stuff, but now I listen to Mozart and break stuff