Me: tries to sleep
Brain:
M:
B:
M:
B:
M:
B: if one synchronized swimmer drowns do the others have to drown too?
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It’s always “Why aren’t you married yet?” And never “I have an old rich friend on the verge of death I’d like to introduce you to.”
They say women only use 10% of their anger
Inside my chocolate wrapper was a quote that said “Hands are meant to be held.” It made me laugh. Hands are meant to be washed.
Black Friday deals but at the pharmacy
teen me: I just wanna find a girl who’s nice and pretty and smart and kind
40s me: who wants to get freaky with mayonnaise, no weirdos
I opened wordle to play while waiting for the bus, and force of habit, I pulled my pants down cause I’m so used to playing it on the toilet
If you see my wife at the store, tell her to put some of that stuff back.
I once dated a woman that said I used to much garlic and I got rid of that vampire right quick
This selfie angle isn’t to make me look thin, it’s so you can check me for lice
THE BOY: ew, why you kiss the dog?
ME: ew, why you so jelly?
How can I relax when every aspect of my physical and mental state is governed by something called The Nervous System?
My wife and I can’t agree on appropriate gardening attire. But she’s digging in her heels.
Before you get paranoid about the lack of people interacting with you on twitter, remember Jesus only had 12 followers in his day, and look at him now.
*doorbell rings*
me: go away I’m social distancing
voice: pizza delivery
me: *opens door*
COVID19: hehe, got’em
The sexual tension between my tendency to do something stupid and my resolve not to.
WIFE: we’re so close we finish each other’s sentences
ME: .
Me: *explains idea*
Boss: That’s the dumbest idea ever
Me:*clears throat*
*repeats exact same idea in a British accent*
Boss: Brilliant!
Her: I like a man who’s loud in bed
Me: *turns on my cpap machine*
Her: Not like that
Opponent: I wish you luck
Me: Tha—
Opponent: But I also wish to suck the marrow from the bones of your defeated corpse.
Me, picks up ping pong paddle: okey dokey
[First day as a doctor]
Patient: *throwing up blood*
Me: Ewwww. Why did you eat that?
My 8yr old’s home from school and that means I’ll be yelled at for the next two days for accidentally breathing while she’s trying to record videos.
*praying for world peace*
God:
Wild falcons live to be about 13, so all the falcons in the wild today were born in the 21st century.
They’re millennial falcons.
Ironing boards are just surf boards that stopped pursuing their dreams and got a real job instead.
Them: What’s wrong with you?
Me: *gets them a chair and puts on the kettle*
Who lives in a pineapple under the sea? Nobody, the pH level of a pineapple can not sustain life.
[family vacation]
Son: how much farther?
Me: call me dad
Somewhere on a windy pasture under this moon there’s a barbed wire fence I left more of myself on than I realized.
I ate so much bread yesterday, I checked Web MD to make sure that I couldn’t end up with a yeast infection.