To the person crowding me in the checkout line, do you want a hug .. ’cause if you get any closer, I’m gonna assume you do and give you one.
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i once had a doctor named doctor. dr. doctor. doc doc, for short. who i introduced to my ball-player friend, richard michael gossage. “doc doc, goose,” i said. folks,,
just overheard my boyfriend, who works outside all day, describe me to someone as “an indoor cat”
ME: I’ve been depressed lately
DOCTOR: Okay, well, try this new med but watch out for possible side effects like depression, mood swings & emotional instability
ME: what
DOCTOR: what
I haven’t won anything since I did my kid’s fifth grade science fair project.
it was 1997 i was outside McDonald’s on Queen St age 15, an old lady barked “speak English” at a pair of young Korean men and without missing a beat one of them goes “OOooo i want a nice cup of TEA look at ME I’m ENGLISH i want to eat PLAIN TOAST” i miss him every single day
[guy running at me with a machete]
wonder what this fella wants
I hate what you’ve done with the place.
[spoiler alert] Chemistry for Dummies is not about improving your sex life.
Now I lay me down to sleep
I pray the Lord my soul to keep
And if I die before I wake
Good
Overheard
Woman in convenience store to her boyfriend: If you really loved me, you’d buy me a lemur.
Jo, lean
Jo, lean
Jo, lean
Jo, LEAN!*our canoe tips over*
Stick it to the man
I always say “goodbye” to the Wal-Mart greeter, just to close that loop.
If you’re not supposed to have sex in an elevator, why are the ceilings mirrored?
Now security is showing me out.
Communing with the fog in the woods, anyone need anything?
I like my men, like I like my coffee.
So hot, that I have to keep blowing.
*Aquarium
GUIDE: Octopuses are sensitive to camera flash so please turn off…ma’am don’t flash the octopus
ME: [pulls shirt back down] ok
Bad news travels fast. #TravelFail
Stop and smell the roses. Hug the roses. Procreate with the roses. Have little rose babies.
Got a call saying my son got caught lying, cheating & was being expelled. I don’t have a son. That kid is one damn good liar
My wife asked me to name off all my sexual partners in order.
I should probably have stopped when I got to her name
[Commercial for Legos]
Have you ever cursed in front of your kids? Want to?
go ahead and make fun of me for listing my religion as “burrito” but no one’s ever waged war in the name of chipotle
Personal news: After years of flawless service, the Tooth Fairy hit a rough patch this week.
[prison]
PRISONER: what’s for breakfast
GUARD: every meal is bread & water
PRISONER: [is a duck] oh baby
Being married means never admitting you were the last one to see the item that is now lost.
“Mirror, mirror, on the wall.”
Mover: “Fine. Where do you want the couch?”
Become ungovernable.
Am I having a stroke?
o/ = Cheering
/o = The Scream
/o/ = Superman
_o_ = Jesus
lol = I surrender, and I’m laughing out loud about it.