My teacher always said not to worry about correct spelling, because we have autocorrect.
And for that I am infernally grapefruit.
You Might Also Like
friendly reminder that someone having a different opinion about a movie than you is a direct attack on you as a person and you should take it very personally
DO NOT PRESS RED BUTTON
Nice try, self check out lanes. There’s not even any mirrors.
All I’m saying is Dorothy from The Wizard Of Oz has more confirmed kills than Willy Wonka.
My bike just got a flat tire, or, as they say in England, my bike just got an apartment tire
Where have you been all my life?
Can you go back there?
Why do birds suddenly appear every time you are near? It’s because you are feeding them bread Karen.
I don’t want to alarm anyone, but my doctor says I have an irreversible terminal condition called aging.
Her: You’re perfect as you are, don’t ever change a thing.
[later]
Her: Er, that didn’t include your underwear…
Condescending:
(adj) showing patronizing superiority
(verb) a convict shimmying down a prison wall with a rope made of bed sheets.
I just saw Angelina Jolie’s ex walking one of Santa’s reindeer down a nude beach. A topless Dancer & a bottomless Pitt.
Ha ha I’m so lonely
All units be on the lookout, suspect is armed with hunky shoulders, soft eyes and dreamboat hair. I don’t even remember what he did anymore.
I treat people the way I would like to be treated and that is why I will never give you driving directions that start with Go east.
Is it wrong, to put people on your bucket list?
5-year-old: Guess what? Today in school someone’s EYE broke open.
Me: What???
5-year-old: I’m done telling this story.
Dinner then: lean protein, fresh vegetables, good carbs
Dinner now: on the rocks
My husband watched me clean the entire house today, and then asked me if I had a relaxing day.
I get why the spouse is the first suspect.
I’m coaching my son’s soccer team because it’s important that he knows I’ll swear at other kids, too.
Pro tip: when a cop asks you to step out of the car, don’t reply with “I’m too drunk, you get in.”
I accidentally drank a bottle of invisible ink last night.
I’m in the hospital now, waiting to be seen.
My 6yr old keeps dropping her popsicle on the floor and I rinse it off and she gets mad that the water made it a bit smaller and then she drops it on the floor and I rinse it off and she gets mad that the water made it a bit smaller and then she drops it on the floor and I…
ME: *taking a massive hit of universal healthcare*
DAD: *pounding on the door* what are you kids doing in there?
ME:
DAD: Are you doing socialism in there? Open this door right now
hey don’t shoot me, i’m just the messenger! oh the letter says to shoot me? okay th-
My daughter just informed me that 75% of you follow me because of how I look.
I’m not sure if I’m flattered or insulted.
I talk a lot of shit for someone who has to let out a Karate yell in order to stand up from tying their shoes.
they smoked a joint and
overthrew the government.
now that’s a high coup
My 2-year-old refused to brush her teeth because a towel was in the wrong spot.
I calmly explained to her that the position of the towel didn’t matter and that she needed to brush her teeth no matter what.
Just kidding.
I moved the damn towel.
it seems as if every day science takes another giant leap forward
*Looking through binoculars
Awww, it looks like she forgot her password. I should remind her what it is.
At least men & women can agree on one thing: it feels AMAZING to take a bra off