For two years in high school, I took guitar lessons. Something interesting I learned is that guitar resale nets a 45% loss.
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spell your crushes name backwards mine’s ninotores
Laugh, and the world laughs with you…
Keep saying “LOL” out loud, and you’ll die alone.(For Judy in Accounting)
Heard Santa and his wife separated, which would make them independent Clauses.
Don’t mind me, I’m just a mom sitting in the dark eating a tub of ice cream because I spent the entire weekend doing laundry and then my kids changed clothes
It’s easy to blind someone with science. All you need is a good throwing arm, the proper wind direction, and a little sulfuric acid.
If I had a time machine I would go back to the Star Wars era and kill baby Darth Vader
Me: Do you want to hit the steam room after this?
Leonard the shrimp I work out with: *aggressive shrimp noises*
Me: Christ, it’s a joke Leonard. Calm down.
these two trucks have the same bed length
There’s 2 types of people in this world, the people that use birth control and the people that step on Legos at 3am.
I can’t. I’m busy tonight. I have to do laundry and block everyone who takes their engagement photos in a barn.
Let’s just wait until Kevin McCallister is like 80 and make Nursing Home Alone
The Breakfast Club: (1985) (1hr 37 mins) Not a single breakfast is had. Barely a club. Misleading. 1/10
My neighbor told me his son watched “Cujo” for the first time.
Guess who’s putting shaving cream around the dogs mouth tomorrow?
[First day as a crime scene photographer]
Detective: please stop telling the corpse to “work it”
a car is a metal ravioli and you are the meat!
COVID-1: can only speak in rhymes
COVID-2: forgets the color blue is real
COVID-3: lycanthropy
COVID-4: cries snake venom tears
COVID-5: [REDACTED]
COVID-10: clown absorption
COVID-11: Mothman Syndrome
COVID-12 thru COVID-18: advanced lycanthropy
COVID-19: current crisis
If I ever go to prison I will immediately go up to the biggest person and tickle them.
4yo: When you’re 9, you can drive
Me: Pretty sure you have to be older
4yo: Some people can drive at 9
Me: A little older
4yo: Ya, it’s 9
my cornflakes bring all the boys to my yard
& theyre like
this cereals hard
damn right
my cereals hard
u should add milk
so its not so sharp
it’s always terrifying when i’m alone in my apartment at night and i hear a small child’s voice say “hello” because i dread making small talk
Ugh I hate living next to an art school I dragged an old couch outside and a bunch of dudes came over and they’re just taking pictures of it
babe wake up they’re canceling someone you’ve never heard of before
Waiter: What can I get you?
Me [forgetting the word “waffle”]: I’ll have a graph biscuit.
What’s going on under there? Nobody has to know but you. – Poncho salesman
{Bear walks up to me}
ME: Plays dead
BEAR: Get up, I just want to talk. Who are you voting for in the election
ME: Ugh, a poller bear
Everyone’s a gangsta until you make eye contact with a stranger whilst shoveling tacos in your face.
You can’t be mad if I poop in it. Your the one with a toilet planter in your front yard.
My 5 year old hasn’t said a word in the car after I convinced him that the volume control on our stereo ejects his car seat.
I went to school with a girl named
Nonstick CookingSprayWe tried calling her Pam …
but it didn’t stick.