*84th flr*
CW: You look sad, can I cheer you up?
M: Heard Van Halen’s “Jump”?
CW: Sure!
Me: Jump out that window and sing it on the way down
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My son mowed the lawn so if you need me I’ll be outside re-mowing the lawn.
Does the employee manual say I CAN’T set up my camping tent inside my cubicle? No? Then please step outside & zip the door up behind you.
Sorry dinner took so long! My son wanted to help and he had never used a can opener, so…the tuna casserole took about six hours longer than it should have. But he learned so much in that time.
Bon appetit!
Make sure you don’t forget the ‘R’ when you’re Googling, “movies of Gary Oldman.”
Perfect
I just ran out in front of a deer just to see how they fuckin like it.
[Wendy and the Burger King having sex]
King: You like this?
Wendy: I’m loving it!
*the Burger King stops*
King: What did you just say?
My mama didn’t raise no fool.
Instead I was raised by a pack of idiot wolves.
Accordion to current studies, 90% of you did not realize that this sentence started with a musical instrument.
geese are just mad that we refuse to buy insurance from them
My 6 year old found the duct tape and now nothing in my house moves.
My clothes don’t fit anymore.
There’s only one possibly explanation.
America is shrinking my clothes.
[baby wakes up in the middle night]
“Go back to sleep, hun. I’ll sort it out.”
[puts baby on eBay]
<job interview>
Do you prefer to deal with things in person or over the phone?me: no
If the chef tells me he made this with blood, sweat, and tears I’m calling the health department
*Ghost snatches phone from me*
“Who you gonna call now?”
This is my cat’s medicine.
My 13 y/o daughter is a little disappointed that her friends backed out of wearing an inflatable shark costume for Halloween and are going as Bluey characters instead but she’s sticking with the shark.
13: They just don’t take Halloween as seriously as me.
I can’t lose this last 20 pounds so I’m just telling everyone that I’m pregnant now.
Golf is probably fun if you like walking around outside in business casual.
That one onion ring didn’t end up in your french fries by accident. That’s Burger King’s way of flirting with you.
Therapist: Are you a man or a mouse?
Mickey: Quite frankly, I was hoping you could tell me.
I’m like the Pied Piper, but instead of a flute it’s a little bottle of maple syrup and rather than rats it’s all the lovely Canadians I’m enticing into my ‘candy van’.
As if ” cray cray” wasn’t irritating enough, people have started shortening it to ” cray”….that’s just stu stu
ao3 writers are a whole other bread. i feel so bad for laughing but this is dedication
Na Fa Fo Na Na Fo Fo -Sassy black girl giving me her digits.
At least he brought enough for everyone