{Signing up for anything}
THEM: And what is the best way to contact you?
ME: The best way?
THEM: Yes, the way you prefer.
ME: Oh then the way I prefer is that you do not contact me.
You Might Also Like
Just watched a guy smell his debit card….I have some questions.
Just saw a doctor eating an apple. My whole life is a lie.
My wife sent me an image of herself which really enticed me into coming home from work early.
It was a picture of her at the airport.
*pops stick of Juicy Fruit in mouth*
“Mmm, this is delic…shit, the flavor’s gone.”
Me: I think some people are just birds in disguise
Friend: Haha, can I tweet that?
Me: *narrows eyes* Can you what
I hate when I’m trying to do shit and I’m married.
mugger: GIMME UR MONEY
“All I have is this $5 grandma gave me on my birthday”
[mugger pulls off mask revealing grandma]
IT’S PAYBACK TIME
[filling out job application]
Race: Barbarian
The number of STDs I can spell without autocorrect really bothers me.
if I were a pediatrician I’d break the ice with new patients by having the receptionist call my phone 3 minutes into the appointment and saying “look, Mrs Johnson, I run a busy practice- for the last time NO MORE MONKEYS JUMPING ON THE BED”
I don’t mean to brag but HR told me no one had ever eaten everyone’s lunch before as a reason to fit their own food in the fridge.
Gynecologists in small towns spend a lot of time looking up old friends
I accidentally walked into an open mic comedy night in a cafe where immediately upon walking in the comic said “look at this guy he’s gonna leave soon”
My walk of shame is going back for a shopping cart after realizing I can’t carry 23 items in my arms through the store.
A guy walks into a bear and orders a drink. He didn’t notice my typo. Anyway, he’s dead now.
At one point during our audit on Friday my hot boss called me “babe.” That means for the rest of you that your window of opportunity is closing…
“Everything I touch just turns to shit!”
– Large intestines
she wears short skirts, I get steamed up
she’s cheer captain and I’m a little teapot
Me: [every single day for 18 months]
da da…say da da. Can you say dada? Say da daaa…daaaa daDaughter:
Me: shit
Daughter: shit
Potato chips ARE vegetables! I exclaim as I tear open the third bag
*overheard behind me on a plane*
Dad: “you’re getting potato chips in Abigail’s hair”
6ish year old son: “calm down Kenneth”
SCARECROW WIFE: Did you pick up milk?
SCARECROW:Oh I forgot
SCARECROW WIFE: You’d forget your brain if…
SCARECROW: If what Hayley?…Say it
Caught my kid forging my signature and I have to say, pretty good for a third grader
Can’t believe the Obama 2012 campaign isn’t using the slogan “Once you go black, you don’t go back.”
Welcome to Mixed Metaphor Day: it ain’t rocket surgery guys
First base: drinks
Second base: hooking up
Third base: consistently hanging out for over 3 months and refusing to call it a relationship because both of you are terrified of commitment and communication
In my defense, I’m not sure why you kept the bags of quicksand next to the bags of regular sand.
[first date at restaurant]
ME: so, do you like dogs?
HER: no, not really-
ME: [already at home watching Netflix petting my dog]
If you say “NO YOURE UNDER ARREST” the cop legally has to get in the back of your car.