My boss: hey you got a sec?
Me: I have all the secs
Boss: what?
Me: what?
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facebook is down where are we gonna keep all of our faces
i don’t think it’ll all fit in there
When I die I want to be cremated and blown in the faces of my enemies
I’m too fat to be a hipster. I’m thinking of becoming a Heapster instead.
My 9yo drew a picture of me throwing away their drawings which, ironically, is going to be the one picture I save.
Alien dad telling everyone to remember they parked the UFO in Springfield then a montage of them discovering how many Springfields there are.
The 9 circles of hell:
9) limbo
8) lust
7) gluttony
6) greed
5) anger
4) heresy
3) violence
2) fraud
1) shopping on Black Friday
One thing no one ever talks about being an adult is how much time you debate yourself on keeping a cardboard box because it’s, like, a really good box.
Me: [my mouth full] I didn’t know you guys did edible arrangements
Florist: we don’t
Unless you’re going to tell me there’s a sniper target on me, I can wait for you to finish chewing to hear what you have to say. Thanks.
A younger man said I have a smokin hot body for an older woman…
I’m not sure if I should thank him or put him in a time-out.
My daughter went back to college today and I texted her that I missed her so much and she texted back 2.5 hours later, “Yes.” Then, “Sorry, that wasn’t for you.”
I WAS IN LABOR FOR 14 HOURS
Just once I’d like someone to call me “ma’am” without having to add “you need to calm down or we’re going to have to ask you to leave”
5yo just asked for, and I quote, “two fingers of milk” if you’re wondering how parenting during lockdown is going
Picture me naked.
Wrong.
More plates of nachos stacked around me.
Safe travels to all the parents heading out to buy the batteries they didn’t know they needed.
Cigarettes that help you quit chewing gum.
Me: I’d like you to fudge some numbers please.
Accountant: First, that’s illegal. Second, this is your calorie counting app.
I need to be drunk looking in the passport picture because I’ll certainly be drunk when I’m traveling.
Everyone on this website is always like, “Eat the rich,” but then Carol Baskin feeds her millionaire husband to a tiger and it’s a problem, hypocrites
Give a man a roll of toilet paper, he wipes for a day
Give a man a CVS receipt, he wipes for a lifetime
You know you have a good therapist when he takes his shoes off, curls up in the chair with snacks and says, “next session is free, this story is too good.”
Practice good oral hygiene by wiping your mouth with toilet paper after talking shit
Long story short don’t use sewing scissors to trim your nose hair if you’re drunk
Waking up late is a great way to see which steps of your personal hygiene are really unnecessary.
Boss ordered me a new office chair and I’m uneasy about this eject button.
Yes I have exams.
No, I’m not easily distracted.
Yes, my shadow is interesting.
[on unemployment]
WIFE: So what’d you do all day?
[the dog walks by dressed as a spider]
ME: Looked for a job
Remember when Saturday Morning cartoons would start to end and the live action shows you didn’t like as much started to come on, but you still half-heartedly watched?
That’s Twitter now.
I like my men, like I like my coffee.
So hot, that I have to keep blowing.