[diner]
ME: I’ll have the eggs, please
WAITER: how would you like those?
ME: painted and hidden for me to find, thank you.
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There should be a horror movie where an item associated with childhood innocence is unexpectedly evil
“I could probz bench press, like, five of you”-me talking to a cool squirrel I just met
I love when a pig looks like a disguised quest giving god
“Single use consumables are destroying the planet,” I yelled at her as I tossed another condom into the washing machine.
Who called it a goose wearing a suit and not a propaganda
Me: *showing the priest a gif of a dog chasing his tail* Haha it’s like he never stops
Priest: Ok but I said “Bring the GIFTS to the alter”
Don’t you hate it when you’re on your way to join the circus and you accidentally get married and have 3 kids?
Apparently If ur BF says “if anything happens to me,I want u to meet someone new….”
“anything” doesn’t include getting stuck in
traffic.
[chamber of commerce]
harry potter: i’m sorry i think i made a wrong turn
Husband: I almost ate an entire pan of Rice Krispies treats.
Me: Almost? Quitter.
🤣🤣
Never ask a shepherd how many sheep he owns, I don’t think he’d know, he probably falls asleep every time he takes inventory.
Jay Z and Beyonce had a 4 million dollar dinner with Obama…. Wtf did they eat? Fresh dinosaur?
Shogun is a timeless and powerful reminder that no matter what country we come from, what language we speak, or what we believe in, we must unite against our common foe: the Portuguese
Pharmacy employee you’re too unhappy for someone who is in control of all the drugs.
Went into the kitchen and found my daughter and her boyfriend making popcorn …..
One. Kernel. At. A. Time.
What do bats eat that makes their shit our standard for crazy?
my cousin asked if I wanted to hold her baby and I told her I have ringworm
It’s so reassuring when your nephew asks for your birth year and then replies with woah, did you go to war?
Bean bag chairs are venus fly traps for anyone over 35.
Hey Doorknob, if I wanted something in my life that was hairy, condescending and using me for food, I would get a cat.
the song “pour some sugar on me” was written about shredded wheat cereal and i won’t be taking any discussion on this.
Really want to try out a career in tracing, or something along those lines.
IN JOB INTERVIEW
EMPLOYER: what do you think you’d bring to our company?
ME: i’m straight up goated. i’m efficiencymaxxing. i’m taskpilled. i’m in my fucking bag
EMPLOYER: ok i think we’ve heard enough
Good thing he found a cart, because that looks really heavy.
RIDDLER: What has–
BATMAN: A gazebo
ROBIN: Matches
RIDDLER: Let me finish-
BM: A paperweight
R: Dental floss
RIDDLER: I hate you guys
It’s a good thing I’m not a bird. They’d be telling me I needed to fly south and I’d be like look guys, I only do right or left.
The way I act when I have to line my wheel up at the car wash you would think I’m trying to land a 747 on a tightrope.
Happy Father’s day to all the dads out there trying to keep the front door closed so u don’t AIR CONDITION THE WHOLE NEIGHBORHOOD. COME ON
I did not eat the cake…