Crows that are stuck together are called Vel-crows
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An older woman in front of me demanded her drink get remade because her barista was Asian.
When I tried to inform her how irrational that request was, she turned and sneered, “are YOU Chinese?”
I replied, “no, but your ugly-ass knockoff purse is.”
Shut your racist asses up.
when i met him, i should’ve recognized the red flags because he immediately wanted to move in with me. 11 months later he still has no job or money and i can’t do anything without him watching my every move.
like, i know he’s my son but he’s gotta get it together.
The struggle when hungry me has to eat the lunch that healthy me packed
Dracula: Let me give you eternal life….
Me: Are you kidding me have you looked around at this world…no thank you.
Dracula: What time is sunrise?
guy: my dog just died
girl who studied abroad: wow that reminds of this one time in Europe i saw a dog
I’d like to apologize to the lady on the bus. I assumed you wanted your hair held back while you ate your banana.
Please, by all means, call my landline. I’ll reply with a postcard attached to a helium balloon
Mommy’s little speed bumps 😬
Student: I want a bunny, but my dad says bunnies just die.
Me: So? You’re going to die, and he had you.
Say what you want about my short term memory…unless you already have…
[blind date]
Me: Oooh here she comes. Ok fella act cool. YOU GOT THIS
Her: Hi, I’m Linda
Me: *nose-whistles Despacito in its entirety*
if i was a character in a horror movie and something supernatural was happening i wouldn’t be scared because that stuff isn’t real
“Bob’s here”
Bob the surgeon or Bob who just pretends he’s a surgeon?
“We only know one Bob and he’s an accountant”
*arm falls off*
Jeweler- Lord of the rings
Fast internet- Lord of the pings
Vocalist- Lord of the sings
Trivia winner- Lord of the dings
Medical supply- Lord of the slings
Orchestra- Lord of the strings
Sports bar- Lord of the wings
Beekeeper- Lord of the stings
Tinder- Lord of the flings
do you feel like your mouse is heavier when you’ve copied something and lighter again once you’ve pasted it or are you normal?
My 6yo is excited at the possibility of being a ghost, but wants to know if her toys will remain real toys or become ghost toys
This is probably a controversial take but I think the sanitation worker responsible for garbage collection on Sesame Street should be fired.
I’ll play duck-duck-goose and give all gooses. I don’t give a duck.
Science fact: If you took a human intestinal tract and stretched it from the Earth to the Moon, you would definitely get fired from NASA.
I feel as though we’ve come too far as a society to go camping on purpose.
bought an eggplant, imma grow my own eggs
Her: I heard you like to break the rules
Me: [chewing a mouthful of silica packets] you heard right, babygirl.
My husband just solved a puzzle on Wheel of Fortune with only 2 letters turned on the board and he leaned over to high five me.
If anyone wants to high five him back, he’s still waiting.
Nine out of ten people aren’t the tenth person.
If I ever get married, I’m not wearing white. Nothing to do with the whole virginity thing, and everything to do with being a sloppy eater.
We just walked into a Target and my wife said we don’t need a buggy and I don’t know what I’m supposed to do in here without a buggy to push.
Unicyclists should just walk if they’re so desperate to cut down on wheels
I’m like a candle: I’m cute, I smell nice, and there’s a pretty good chance I’ll set your curtains on fire if left unattended.
Me: This little kid sitting next to me in a restaurant wouldn’t stop screaming so I decided to scream back and wow I totally get why kids scream it’s so freeing and so much better than actually verbalizing your emotions
Therapist: I think you’re regressing
Me: *screams* am i?