The world needs to chill out. There’s no way history teachers can cram all this bs into a semester
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Maybe it’s love, or maybe she just can’t unclasp that damn bracelet on her wrist without help
Dear media: There’s nothing shocking about celebrities going topless, getting drunk, or falling over.
Let me know when they read a book.
If you love someone, let them go. If they don’t come back, detonate the explosive collar.
Her: I don’t see color
Me: They make glasses for that now
Every liquor store should sell lemons, limes, and oranges!!!!!!!!!
“I trust my boyfriend, I would never go thru his phone”
-girls who can’t figure out boyfriend’s passwords
Do the things that bring you joy. Bake cookies. Take walks along the beach at sunset. Drink the blood of your enemies as part of an ancient incantation that opens a portal to the Underworld. Sing like no one can hear you.
What idiot called her a Hot Indian Girl and not a Bomb Bae
My front door has a reverse peephole so you can see me ignoring you
San Francisco has too many rules
Amazing how many stupid choices are made on smart phones.
*hires a group of teenage girls to giggle every time you walk by*
Whale: Hey did you hear I have a new girlfriend? She’s aaall over me it’s crazy.
Eel: For the last time barnacles don’t count as girlfriends
Me: *crying*
Tween: *crying*
Husband: I thought you two were doing math homework together.
Me: We are.
*Movie’s 10 second sex scene begins
My dad who’s been missing for 12 years: hey whatcha watchin’
I like to cook for a man when I first start dating him.
That way he’ll be disappointed from the start.
Not just when he sees me naked.
COP: License and registration.
BATMAN: I’m Batman.
COP: License, please.
BATMAN: I’m Batman.
COP: I’m not gonna ask again.
BATMAN: I’m Bat-
COP: Alright, hands on the car.
BATMAN: Batmobile.
Therapist: It’s all “me me me”. Try to think of others instead
Me: I’ll try[Later]
Me *to murderer* no PLEASE don’t kill uh Paul Rudd
The existence of raw sexuality implies the existence of medium sexuality, but also well-done sexuality
EGYPTIAN KING: we shall build religious monuments. they will baffle future science.
SUBJECT: what shall we worship?
EGYPTIAN KING: cats
If I don’t see two minivans lock reindeer antlers over a Target parking space tonight, what are the holidays even about?
It’s funny when a cartoon character drops a piano on someone’s head but when I do it it’s a “crime”??
*patting my infant son on the back*
you can fit a whole airplane in this baby
An apple a day will keep anyone away if you throw it hard enough
According to the Chinese zodiac, it’s the year of the dog, or “who’s a good year?!”
[crashing my bike]
spin class instructor: how did you do that
No…no. Just leave your shirt here and let’s go look for Bigfoot.
~ whiskey
impressing strangers by telling them i drive a Nissan Easy Bake Oven
Wife: [frantically searching kitchen] I can’t find my stir fry pans.
Me: looks like we need to go for a wok. lol.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: you hid them just to make that pun didn’t you?
Me: you butter believe it : )