Them: Sex without marriage is a sin.
Me: Well, technically, I am married, just not to him.
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Me: you want to end the date night with some bubbly?
Wife: sure
*I pour vinegar and baking soda into the volcano*
Wife: this is so romantic
Mother in law just said global warming with air quotes. It’s going to be a long night.
“Please, take me out to dinner!”
“I don’t date married women, sorry.”
“I’m your wife!”
“No exceptions!”
Don’t get me wrong, the evil stepmother was way out of line, but that line kind of starts to blur for me after babysitting someone else’s kid for more than 4 hours.
Pulling out the ouija board at the office and asking Craig from accounting if I can hit up his widow
is it thunder or is someone rolling out their garbage cans to the curb
I love to open my windows to let in the beautiful weather and so my neighbors can learn my kids’ middle names.
Being a billionaire should be illegal unless you’re a talking duck with no pants.
I want to be in shape enough that I fit into my favorite jeans but not so much that people ask me to help them move
Ugh but profoundly
“Alice, Barbara, Carol, Diane…”
– me, when my doctor suggested I put my affairs in order
JAMES BOND (to bartender): Martini shaken not stirred
ME (acting cool): bud light shaken not stirred *opens it & it just sprays everywhere*
me after noticing a slight change in someone’s energy towards me
We are gathered here today because Somebody “glares at coffin ” couldn’t stay alive.
Me: *gets all four daughters dressed*
Wife: I want everyone in Christmas dresses.
Me: But-
Wife: Everyone.
Me: Fine. *puts on my dress*
[Restaurant]
Waiter: “Dogs aren’t allowed in restaurants.”
Me: “He’s my service dog.”
My dog: “I’m here to fix your refrigerator.”
So, is Dora 18 yet, or what? Asking for a friend.
HR: No. 1 asset u would bring to Verizon customer support?
Applicant: Integrity
HR: Seriously?
A: No.
HR: Hired!
Make every hug more interesting by mysteriously whispering, “the Dark Lord stands at the crossroads
Taking a road trip with my toddler made me realize that I do in fact negotiate with terrorists.
[at bank]
Samuel L Jackson turning in swear jar: I need a bank check to buy Rhode Island
How do you know when you are too drunk to drive?
When you swerve to miss a tree and then realise it was your air freshener..
Why do vegan places always try to copy meat products? Sure meat is murder but plagiarism is a little worse if you think about it
So I met this hooker who said she’d do anything for ten bucks .
Guess who got his yard cut?
Me: Can you describe the suspect?
Him: He was heavily armed
Me *writing octopus* this is bad
People get upset when you bring a beach ball to a funeral.
Rose: Paint me like your French girls.
Jack: With armpit hair?
Me: What do you want for Christmas?
Wife: Nothing would make me happier than a new car.
Me: Well if you’re sure. Nothing it is.
Not all crimes are bad. For example: If there was a crow sized hole in a bank vault & a crow decided to sneak into the vault to bring me a shiny coin, every day, for years… This would be good actually.
I’m going to be embalmed the old-fashioned way.
Bourbon.