BOSS:You were supposed to get an inconspicuous heist car!
ME:No one’ll suspect the google car
B:It’s literally documenting everything we do
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Mufasa: you have forgotten who you are, what is wrong with you?
Simba: you could have appeared any time to tell everyone you were murdered? wtf is wrong with YOU?
Mufasa: this isn’t about me, now go
f i g h t m y b r o t h e r *evaporates*
Why would I want a vehicle that seats 8 people? I don’t even like 8 people.
“Update your Adobe or you’ll be sleeping with the fishes”
– Flash mob
Odd – my boss told me to meet him at the abandoned quarry at midnight for my performance evaluation
Smears cigarette ashes on forehead so I can show up late for work.
[Taken 26]
Abductor: I have your great granddaughter
LIAM NEESON: I literally died 12 years ago
CW: Just quit, Bob, your inventions are useless
Bob [sulks into his office]: Maybe he’s right
*flicks light switch*
*parachute comes out*
*trying a new meal*
Wife: how do you like it?
Son: *hesitating* my water’s pretty good
ME: *using a ouija board* Are there any spirits here?
OUIJA BOARD: No.
ME: I don’t believe you.
OUIJA BOARD: That seems like a you problem.
Me: I want to travel
Bank account: Where? To work?
[etched on my tombstone]
THE DIET STARTS TOMORROW
guy inventing constellations: see that square? it’s a fish
How did we not see this back then?
*alien probing me
Me: Ok a little to the left
Alien: I SAID STOP THAT
When your relationship runs into a problem you can’t figure out, simply use BEDMAS to solve
Bacon
Eggs
Drinks
Meds
And
Sex
[first date]
I’m really nervous about this. It’s been a long time since I’ve [holds fork up and squints] used silverware.
[fight scene – me and a murderer kick a gun across the room and grapple for it]
me: [reaching under couch] shit
murderer: let me try i have longer arms
me: you do not
murderer: do too. stand up
[we measure arm length]
me: wow
murderer: yeah i got like a 6’3” wingspan
Deleting dating apps because, if you’re not already sitting on my couch, we’re not meant to be.
Hi, I’m pleased to announce that I’ve arrived just in time to make everything worse
Watched Full House for not even a full minute & now I’m white with a credit score of 720
A fly swatter, but for close talkers.
she wears short skirts, I’m googling the symptoms of gout. she’s cheer captain, and I have gout
When God closes a door, he opens a window. Our heating bill is outrageous & six raccoons got in last night. Please God, this has to stop.
Most of my job is making things idiot proof, but they keep making better idiots.
[interview]
employer: where do you see yourself in 2 years
me: talking down to people & doing as little as possible
employer, taking notes: okay, so…management
It’s like 10000 spoons when all you need is a castle surrounded by a mote filled with 7-11 nacho cheese
Hot chick without makeup: her beauty is so effortless & carefree
Me without makeup: why is that very sick grandma not in a home
We basically broke up with Pluto by saying it wasn’t a planet anymore then spent 9yrs obsessing about it & just drove by its house real slow
I have been single so long, I can finish my own sentences.
“Pres. Trump, how do you plan to respond to this attack on our soil?”
TRUMP: OK first, I’ve seen several people call me Tronald Dump online