The person who came up with “happily ever after” probably didn’t realize humans would live longer than 34 years.
You Might Also Like
Catch a spark… Set the world on fire!
– Incinerational Tweet
7 year resume gap marked “Not Drugs”
Angry church people on Good Friday are Fast and Furious
*Brings a hammer to a thumb war.*
Me: Goodnight angel.
9: Tomorrow I need a short red wig and dress like Ed Sheeran for spirit day.
At Fantastic Beasts & some nerds are in Hogwarts robes so I don’t know why they’re giving me the stink eye for my Wonder Woman outfit
Neighborhood so sketchy, Santa removes the reins from his sleigh and carries them in with him.
When I go “Commando” I carry around a big machine gun & speak with an Austrian accent while I track down my daughter’s kidnappers.
There’s no such thing as “fair trade” honey. Those bees are gettin’ screwed.
[stranded on Mars]
me: [journal day 1] I have enough rations for 300 maybe 400 days
me: [journal day 2] I am out of rations
The bouncer was kicking me out & I put up my finger for him 2 wait,while I chugged the rest of my drink.All he could say was:
Are U serious?
Join us in calling for a total ban of people. They are extremely dangerous. If you know any people, report them at once to the authorities.
I don’t have an alarm clock, unless you count my dog’s bladder.
I had to stop food journaling when the potato numbers started rolling in.
I wish they sold off-brand cars.
I’d get me a Joop
Some days you’re the Titanic, some days you’re the iceberg and some days you’re that guy who hit the propeller on the way down.
I love that cats slap the shit out of everything they cant understand.
me: *opens one eye* I’m still awake
spider: *removes leg from my mouth and backs away* sorry
Oh deer
For legacy verified accounts whose check hasn’t disappeared, for just $7 a month I will reply to every one of your posts and tell people you didn’t pay for twitter.
(Shoots my husband in the eye with a Waterpik)
Me: How do you like it?
Meanwhile in Canada…
Bruises are your bodies way of reminding you that you should nap more and gallivant less.
Favourite diary entry ever
My son said a bunch of disparaging things about Billy Joel and now he sleeps outside in a tent. That’ll learn him.
Obi-wan: It’s over Anakin! I have the high ground!
Anakin:*Force pushes him out of the way*
Obi-wan: Damn that completely obvious solution
I had a bowl of Cap’n Crunch cereal for the first time in a long time last weekend. The roof of my mouth should be healed in a few days.
her: take off my bra
me: ok
her: take off my panties
me: wow ok
her: stop wearing my clothes
Wife: how much did it cost to rent that bouncy castle?
Me: I dunno. Buying it wasn’t cheap tho
[tv announcer] Are you bloated? Tired? Unable to enjoy the activities you once loved?
[me with mouthful of chips] YEAH