[one tweet gets 10 likes]
me: ok i gotta be careful now about what i put on my timeline. i have a successful brand to protect.
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(Date)
“What’s wrong?”
Oh nothing I’m just a nervous hummer
“Aw how cute!!”
*perfectly hums the entire Jurassic Park theme at full volume*
Honey, someone thinks I’m subtweeting them again..
Honey?
[BOOPS nose]
COP: Sir, I’m gonna need you to touch your finger to the tip of YOUR nose.
obliviously driving m y car through chernobyl , absorbing lethal anmounts of radiation while looking for cute girls
Wife: I just wanted our honeymoon to be special.
Me holding 2 Nintendo64 controllers: Me too, but you need to hurry and pick a character.
As your goth husband I will adorn you with cursed artifacts then die mysteriously leaving you to be the most feared widow in the village.
I’m asking my mom for a small loan by pretending to be a Nigerian prince.
Starting next year, Santa comes in the afternoon while the kids are watching Netflix in their rooms so we don’t have to stay up all night assembling shit.
RT to cosign.
My cat just sniffed my right eye & licked his lips. When I die alone in my house, he’ll probably eat that eyeball first.
If she pulls back her hair in a ponytail without breaking eye contact you’re about to either have a good time or be murdered. Embrace the mystery, champ
[work phone rings]
Customer: I realize ur closing but I just have a quick question
“Good, because it’s 4:59 and I-”
Now, it all started back in ’82 when I had my knee replacement surgery
Them: Are you a frontend or backend developer?
Me: *winking* I’m pretty developed in both places.
Anyways, that’s how I ended up in HR.
What he said, “Let’s just drop it.”
What I heard, “I can’t think of a single way to win this argument, I bow to your wit and intelligence.”
Her: could things get any worse?
Me: *adds raisins* there you go.
If you’re looking for a good time, I’m a blast when I’m alone.
Ladies call me “the turkey sandwich” because I seem bland and boring at first, but then I continue to be boring.
Not to brag but my wife just mentioned fireworks in the bedroom to me. She wants me to keep them somewhere else until the 4th but still…
If you tell me that something is just a hop, skip, and a jump away, I’m not going. That’s exercise.
If I were a cashier I’d pretend people were waiting in line to kiss me.
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and the confidence of this woman at Starbucks who just pretended to have a dog so she could get a free cup of whipped cream.
The first rule of kite club is you do not talk about Benjamin Franklin.
putting some whiskey in my coffee cuz its ireland somewhere
I have two boyfriends!
Well, I’m dating two men
Okay. Ben and I are just friends
Same with Jerry
Fine. I have ice cream.
But it’s love.
8 just got annoyed that the cheese on his grilled cheese sandwich melted and is no longer square shaped…in case any of you were on the fence about having children.
I am yelling
It’s not everyday you get to see stuff like this
Damn that is one huge cow. this is why I buy internet on flights. I almost saw that 6 hours after you guys did
*walks down street*
*panties drop left and right*
*thinks, “shouldn’t have bought so many panties”*
*picks up panties*
*continues home*
IDK if you really want to impress me with your car…… get a food truck
I always thought orthopaedic shoes were overrated, but I stand corrected…