[at work]
me in my 20’s: I DONT NEED LUNCH I HAVE MOTIVATION AND AMBITION TO ENERGIZE ME
me now: listen, if i don’t eat lunch at this exact second i will actually die
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Going down to the shelter today to adopt a rotisserie chicken
COVID-1: can only speak in rhymes
COVID-2: forgets the color blue is real
COVID-3: lycanthropy
COVID-4: cries snake venom tears
COVID-5: [REDACTED]
COVID-10: clown absorption
COVID-11: Mothman Syndrome
COVID-12 thru COVID-18: advanced lycanthropy
COVID-19: current crisis
I may be small, but so is a grenade.
“WHY ARE YOU RIPPING OUT ALL OF YOUR FUR?!!”
-my dog, when I wax
Apparently, “I understand why some animals eat their young,” is not a socially acceptable answer when someone asks you how you’re doing. Whatever.
had to tell my son that santa isn’t real in the middle of the night because he was hysterical about a strange man coming into the house, but made him *promise* not to tell his younger sister that he doesn’t exist. so instead he told her that santa’s dead
whenever i trip a skinny girl running in only a sports bra i feel like i’m doing god’s work
Protip: Never take your wife with you to your annual checkup. She will tell the doctor way too much about you.
Guys…. Women aren’t hard….. And if they are… They aren’t Women.
A fun thing to do would be to eat rat poison during a dinner party & then, when you die, they’ll blame the host’s cooking. Lol.
Me: Do we really have to share my dessert?
Her: Don’t worry, I eat like a bird.
I don’t share cheese on the first date.
No trip to Home Depot is complete without at least two more trips to Home Depot for what you didn’t know you needed to buy the first time.
In my culture, yawning and rolling my eyes during a Zoom meeting is a sign of respect.
Some baby on this plane is singing the ABCs all out of order and a guy just shouted “yes girl remix!!”
I haven’t asked any of my coworkers what they’re doing for Thanksgiving bc I treat people the way I want to be treated.
told my dad about a rough patch i went through mentally and he asked in a concerned voice whether i’d still managed to take my car in for routine maintenance
I hate putting down the toilet seat because I’m afraid of hurting it’s feelings
wife: *handing me a bowl of raspberries* we have to eat these before they go bad
me: that is true of literally every food
Thinking about that time I used a pic of katy perry as my avi and a dude got so mad that I wasn’t actually katy perry that he called me a catfish and blocked me. Wonder how he’s doing now
My dad’s shop teacher cut off another finger while demonstrating how he accidentally cut off the first one. It reminds of the second time I got married.
My husband was yelling my name and I was yelling back “I’m in the basement” and my daughter started yelling “Can everyone stop yelling?” and my son then yelled “Why is everyone yelling?” and this is how we bond as a family.
After how many years should you clean your microwave?
me: I challenge you to a fish fight
them: you mean fist fight?
Me: [gently putting bass knuckles on my best goldfish Reginald] no
I’m starting to think the guy offering to check for lumps inside his van was not as legit as his cardboard certificate claimed.
Im going out tonight with my new friends, dont wait up!
*runs into the sunset with a pack of wild squirrels*
King: For the last time, what’s your SURNAME?!
Sir Name: *staring, eyelid twitching in frustration*
Sorry I’m late, I was combing granola bar out of my daughter’s hair for 25 minutes
I saw reduced fat wheat thins at the store and I thought, is this hell?
[restaurant]
Waiter: Chicken?
Me: No I’ll fight you RIGHT NOW