If I got stranded on a deserted island, I’d arrange rocks to form huge letters on the beach for rescue aircraft to read. It would say:
“THIS IS ACTUALLY FINE”
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Scientists claim that the Big Bang was the loudest noise that has ever occured in history. They obviously haven’t met my kids.
If you play a game with your wife where you pick one person you’d be allowed to sleep with choose a celebrity and not “Liz from Accounting.”
Every emotion briefly visited to open a jar of pickles.
Reasonable mental health and a good relationship with his mother? I can’t work under these conditions
This pepper has seen some shit
The average human body contains enough carbon to make 9,000 pencils and enough blood and skeletons to decorate an intimate Halloween party for a tight-knit group of friends.
the 4-year-old’s “favorite stick” broke and she wants me to glue it back together. Will she succeed in getting me to fix a god damned stick from nature
Me, before kids: I’m going to be one of those moms that always looks put together
Me, today: Pulled a dryer sheet out of my sweatshirt sleeve that I’ve worn all day
me before I type out affect or effect
Everyone buries their problems in different ways.
I bury them alive because killing people is wrong.
“The curb is just a reverse pothole” I whisper to myself as I hear the wheel scraping against cement.
I’m concerned that some of you are experts in your fields of employment.
* on my death bed
Me: One thing I want you to do for me…
Wife: Name it?
Me: I want you to marry Larry.
Wife: (pause)You sure? I thought you hated Larry?
Me: I do.
Baby: *sleeps longer than expected*
Me: *checks if baby is alive*Kid: *makes loud thud from other room*
Me: *checks if kid is alive*Teen: *hasn’t sighed in an hour*
Me: *checks if teen is alive*
Parents waiting for election results like “This is nothing. I’ve waited for my kid to finish telling me about a dream they had.”
call 2 psychiatrists and tell them ur gonna put them on the phone with a guy who thinks he’s a psychiatrist. now put them in the same call.
them: what’d you do on your day off
me: wake up earlier than necessary
I embrace aging gracefully
And bitterly
With good humor
And rage
The conditioner I use is made with avocado oil. Not only is my hair soft, manageable, and shiny, but it also reminds me all day long about guacamole.
The Lord alone–not science–will determine how many chickens can fit inside my motorcycle sidecar.
They said if gay marriage became legal, people would start marrying dogs and cats, but I guess that was just another bs political promise.
I guess a good thing that would happen to me if the zombie apocalypse ever occurred is that I’d finally start running
me linking you to my twitter
TV is so unrealistic. Friends drop by unannounced and people are happy to see them
How many beer trucks can you “accidentally” run into before your insurance company becomes suspicious?
[concert]
Lead Singer: HOW’S EVERYBODY DOING TONIGHT
Crowd: WOOOO
Me (from the back row): fine how are you
Lead Singer: I’M GOOD THANKS FOR ASKING
The first rule of hydration club is where is your restroom?
Nothing takes longer than the Amazon truck, that is 4 stops away
Tired of actually helping? Try prayer