Don’t let people push you around. Unless it’s in a wagon, because that shit is fun!
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Met a guy who said he worked for Deloitte, just moved back from Istanbul office, so, naturally, I barked ‘Turkish Deloitte!’ Nothing. I said: ‘you probably get that a lot’ and he just said not really. Beginning to worry I’m not good at small talk.
If I was a sushi chef I’d wear divers gear so people knew it was fresh.
My kids have voted, and the results are in. It’s official, I’ve been elected the President of Empty Threats.
Vegan zombies be like: GRAINS!
Passed a homeless guy begging on the sidewalk. Had a twenty in my pocket and asked myself “Do I want this twenty to be used for drugs or alcohol?” I thought “Absolutely not.” So I gave it to the homeless guy.
Sometimes I think I should try to be a better person, but then I remember I’m good-looking, so I’m, like, nah.
Once new outdoor seating is installed here it’s over for you benches!
If you find a fry on the floor and you don’t share it with me, we can’t be friends. Don’t touch me. Monster.
[Watching Jeopardy on TV]
…
Me: Who is Lady Jane Grey?Host on TV: You all got Final Jeopardy wrong. The answer is Lady Jane Grey
Me: I am the smartest person alive!
Husband: but you missed every other question in the episode.
Me:
Accidentally cut down a telephone pole for firewood again
If you’re feeling down, just think of the person for whom your ex is a step up, and be grateful.
“well at least things can’t get any worse” has turned out to be a failure of my imagination
I want my daughters to work where they want to work, live how they want to live, and love who they want to love.
But more than that, I want them to CLOSE THE CABINET DOORS WHEN THEY ARE DONE GETTING A PLATE
Exposing kids to violent video games is appalling. They should be in church praying to a bloody statue of a man nailed to a cross in agony.
When Kevin Bacon participates in a bake off, he instantly becomes Kevin Bacoff.
Me: Are you gonna change your name after we get married?
Her: Yes
Me: What do you think of “Jessica Rabbit”?
I went into a Starbucks with an HP laptop instead of a MacBook and they took behind the store and shot me in the leg.
Oh, you drink black coffee? Tell your ulcer I said good morning
*job interview*
“Youre 30? Why haven’t you accomplished your life goals?”
“Tbh I thought the Mayan apocalypse was real. No plan past that.”
Podiatrists don’t use metric.
They only deal with feet.
How I know my 4yo’s in a little salty mood today:
Huggies commercial: “I’m a big kid now!”
4yo: “…no you’re not…”
me: I’m stuck in my home with unlimited free time
my bookshelf: you can finally read all the books you’ve been meaning to read
me: absolutely not
CUCUMBER 911: What’s your emergency?
CUCUMBER: Please send help! I’m trapped in a jar full of vinegar!
CUCUMBER 911: hmmm, this is a pickle!
I never knew how long it took a human to fall asleep until I had kids. In case you’re wondering it’s 2 hours, 3 cups of water, & 18 books.
“Operator, run this licence plate please
Echo Alpha Tango
Alpha
Delta India Charlie Kilo”– Me, if I was a cop on the day I got fired.
Me: How do you like being an Uber driver.
Driver: I don’t work for Uber.
Me: So, I just willingly climbed into a windowless van, didn’t I?
Roses are red
Violets are blue…
Me: 5, 4, 3..
Friend who has only 1 kid: “Why are you counting down?? They’re all playing nice.”
Me: 2, 1, 0
Kid 1 {Scream crying}
Kids 2 and 3: “I DIDN’T DO IT!”
Friend: “Oh.”
I was really upset today but then a friend said “don’t be upset” so now I’m not upset anymore
Being married for years I thought I knew intimacy…that was until today when my eye dr. decided to sing “dust in the wind” right into my eyeballs