ME: I’ll have the steak
WAITER: with pleasure
ME: um no, with steak sauce
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Doctor: you’re never too old to start exercising
Me: cool thanks i’ll start in maybe like 15 years then
Wife: our toddler just hit me.
Me: hell no! I’m gonna teach her a lesson in manners.
[later]
Me: manners origins date back to the 1700’s and the French word etiquette, which is all about socia-
Daughter: I’m sorry.
Me: please don’t interrupt we have 320 yrs to get through.
I dream of a day when my toddler can poop and the entire neighborhood doesn’t have to hear her say she’s done.
Brit 1:
“They’ve… just stepped away from their desk for a minute, can I take a message?”Translation: They’re staring straight at me.
Brit 2:
“Yes, when they get back can you let them know I’ve called?”Translation: I know they’re still at their desk.
I’ve never seen the movie Snakes On A Plane. What’s it about?
*wife sees me crying*
Her: What’s going on?
Me: The kids gave me this
*holds up Dad Is #1 mug*
W: That’s sweet
H: Sweet? They think I’m pee!
One time I corrected a student when she spelled “through” “thru” and she responded “that’s how *I* spell it”. I could suddenly somehow see her future self putting “if you can’t handle me at my worst, you don’t deserve me at my best” in her Tinder profile
Her: I want to travel the world in the new year
Me: I can see the whole universe in your eyes..
Her: I WANT TO TRAVEL THE WORLD OKAY.
teenager doing court order community service picking up trash in a ditch: *pokes my body with a stick*
me: *wakes up* oh hey jake is it Tuesday again already?
I wish I had the confidence of a person who marks themselves as “safe” on Facebook.
The Roomba is broken and now my wife expects me to fix it like she married Inspector Gadget or something.
Me: I never lie.
Also me: Yes, i’ve read and agree with the privacy policy.
Me: Are you gonna change your name after we get married?
Her: Yes
Me: What do you think of “Jessica Rabbit”?
MAR 14: Pi Day
MAR 15: Ides of March
MAR 17: St. Patrick’s DayMAR 16: middle child, left out as usual
10 wants everyone to know i’m a horrible parent who never lets him have a friend spend the night tonight. even though he and his friend have spent the night at each others houses back and forth since Monday. kbye
Ways To Win My Heart:
1) Be smoking hot
2) Be thin
3) Be a pig
4) Be bacon
*parachutes into your family BBQ*
I noticed you haven’t retweeted me in a while, but I see you had time to make POTATO SALAD…
I’ve got a black eye, a $200 fine and I’ve been listed on a register…turns out taking candy from a baby wasn’t so easy after all.
When people come into my office and complain, I’ve started gently pushing things off my desk while maintaining eye contact. You’d be amazed at how much shorter the conversations are.
At drop off, 5’s teacher said “good morning sweetheart” and 5 replied “mummy made fish for dinner last night and it was disgusting” then she skipped inside to tell Freya all about it
well maybe the Bible is misspelled and my angle tattoo is fine.
Men pick a hairstyle at 15 and call it good until baldness or death.
*me talking to a couple* so who’s the 6 and who’s the 9?
[restaurant]
me: you mind if I go to the bathroom?
date: yeah sure
me: thanks, I prefer to eat in private
snakes on a plane sequels:
– snakes on a plane yes, again somehow
– penguins on a pirate ship
– dogs on parole
– horses in a bad mood
I’m at the age I need all the beauty sleep I can get. So naturally I’m not able to sleep.
Tapping your wrist is the international sign for “I’m running late”.
Millennial: blank stare
I’m not sure how many problems I have because math is one of them.
Not to brag or anything, but I can forget what I’m doing while I’m doing it.
I hope in my next life I come back as a dog so my pills will be wrapped in cheese