I wish whitening toothpaste got my teeth as white as the places I drop it on my shirts.
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this isn’t threatening at all
We can’t afford to take our kids to a corn maze this year so we’re just going to take them to an IKEA instead.
nurse:how do u rate ur pain
me: zero stars
nurse: what
me: would not recommend
Piss someone off by calling their dojo a karate store.
Me: pick your poison….
Him: a margarita would be nice…
Me: that’s not how an lethal injection works, Chad
It’s like nobody at this Bed Bath and Beyond appreciates me taking intimate selfies on every bed so I can decide which comforter brings out my natural beauty.
what’s a not gay way of asking your bro to pose shirtless for a pic that you’ll silkscreen on a body pillow?
Don’t hate me because I’m beautiful, hate me because I’m almost finished Christmas shopping.
Phones are getting smarter and thinner. People, not so much.
Frankly auto correct,I’m getting tired of your shirt.
Rock-a-bye-baby is my favorite nursery rhyme about the tragic consequences of putting babies in trees.
The cashiers at the liquor store really need to start asking me for ID again. I’m not a fan them studying my fine lines above my mask like they’re the Da Vinci code before ultimately deciding I’m an old.
Saying please to a toddler is like being polite to a tornado.
My dad, leaning on the fence at the edge of the diamond: GO TO FIRST BASE. GET TO FIRST BASE
Me, enjoying a picnic with my date: dad please
I remember when it was called “drinking a glass of water” instead of “hydrating.”
wife: What’s wrong?
me [annoyed because the kids menu has a picture of a tree on it but they didn’t give me any brown crayons] Nothing
she wears short skirts, I get steamed up
she’s cheer captain and I’m a little teapot
I’m 35 so when I get drunk I just water my plants a little more recklessly than usual.
Why run with scissors when you can run with bananas which are far less dangerous and also tasty snacks.
Kanye West builds a time machine so he can interrupt himself interrupting Taylor Swift.
Me: I’m not paranoid.
Also me: Why are all my targeted ads from dreams I had last night?
Me: My dog has gone missing
Dog pound: What colour is it?
Me: Brown
Dog pound: Sex?
Me [turns to wife]: Has the dog lost his virginity?
New Year’s Eve is just a myth created by the government to sell you more years
“I hope this makes them name a radioactive turtle after me” Michelangelo thought as he painted the Sistine Chapel “that would be hella rad”
The date was going so well until he called me gorgeous and I blew a bubble out of my nose on accident.
Me: Alexa, did you hear what Siri just said about you?!
Alexa: Hold my beer!!!
It’s true. Losing one sense enhances others.
For example, you lost your sense of humor but your sense of entitlement is through the roof.
“First you bug me to go out, and now you want to come right back in? You’ve been out there for like thirty seconds. Did you at least pee? Tell me you at least peed.”
On a scale of corn to manycorn how impressed are you by my new corn-based number system
My son is an embarrassment, I’m afraid. He came back from college for Xmas, and seems mortified to find that me & his mom have gone goth.