[in someone else’s master bathroom]
5-year-old: They have two sinks.
Me: Yeah.
5: One for each hand.
You Might Also Like
If I could choose my own superhero origin story I’d be bitten by a radioactive serotonin
boss: trouble at home?
me: [jumps awake at my desk] yeah
boss: wife giving you grief?
me: there’s a bee in my kitchen
lol so today this bookstore is having what could be its first health & safety inspection in about 258 years and reader I am crying with laughter
they sent a very helpful man who started off super cheery but 1 hour later is acting like he’s trapped in a SAW movie
I made my 4-year-old sit at the table till she finished her lunch
It took her 3 hours
She was so excited to be done
Then I served dinner.
Millennials urban dictionary everything… I come from a time when the thesaurus roamed the earth.
Those traps inside ancient temples still work after thousands of years but you sit on your ear buds ONE time…
I’d expect Captain America to be fatter.
Divorce court is like regular court except the judge sentences you to freedom.
Today I learned that when getting a pedicure with your wife, don’t tell the salon girl “thanks for the amazing toe job”.
Parenting is basically telling your kids they need to eat more fruit then telling them to quit eating all the fruit.
Sorry to bang on about this but the lack of references to penguins in the Bible is undermining my faith
not hearing back from people right away:
2002 – (two days later) They’re probably busy or out of town. I’ll catch up with them later.
2022 – (ten minutes later) ok clearly we are in a fight I didn’t know about
Like my grandma always says… put more booze in the mashed potatoes
waiter: do you want me to bring you some boxes
me: what’s in them?
I can’t wait til there’s a chalk outline filter
When you give them a gift card to a restaurant because you don’t like them enough to take to dinner.
Before you decide to spend less time on social media, make sure you go to every social media website and tell everyone.
If the virus can keep becoming a new version of itself so can you.
Had a spot of bother earlier.
For the love of God, if you leave me a voicemail, don’t just say “Call me back.” Tell me what it’s in regards to so I can prepare my defense
Tried sneaking downstairs to get a beer but at my age it’s like walking thru a forest covered in dry twigs.
me irl
surprise your friends by filling your beehive hairdo with bees!
Which essential oils calm down household family members? Chloroform?
It’s chloroform isn’t it?
There’s a seagull standing near the people waiting for the grocery store to open, and I kind of want to see where this goes.
all you need for a winnie the pooh costume is a red tshirt and courage
Optional boss fight.
I asked the bookstore employee where the self help section was. She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.
The state parks in NJ are opening today, but the bathrooms will be closed. I’m still staying home, too much anxiety worrying about where to go if I gotta take a shit.
I am looking properly as I cross the road my child said as her face disappeared completely inside her hood each time she looked left and right.