Nuff said? No seriously, what did Nuff say?
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I bet kids who live in volcanoes pretend the floor is carpet
Me: ‘Can I offer you something to drink?’
Waiter: ‘I’m sorry?’
Me: ‘I know, it’s weird right? Now you try.’
ME: my underwear is just two soft flour tortillas held together by electrical tape
INTERVIEWER [desperate]: ok and how about weaknesses
<- I’ve been drinking for almost 6 hours. If you see something wash up on shore that looks like this, please identify me.
No more questions until my mom gets here
-Me to HR
‘I can quit anytime I want’ I mutter to myself everyday on my way work.
prisoner: [wakes up half drunk] where am i
sheriff: bad news pal you’re in jail
prisoner: i can see that but where
sheriff: mississippi
prisoner: ok now that is bad news
when my period ends and i’m done with all the overly emotional outbursts
My wife just confessed that for her entire childhood she thought Colonel Sanders’ bow tie was his whole body and now I can’t stop seeing a tiny stick body every time I look at him.
me: *nervously* will he feel anything while you’re operating?
car mechanic: no
Agent: I have a script for you.
Daniel Radcliffe: Is it weird?
Agent: Yes.
Radcliffe: I’ll do it.
you know that feeling, as a kid, you’re out shopping with your mom, and
shopkeeper, be like $1,200,
then mom, without shame, be like $17.so you jump to death from the check-out desk.
That’s what I call a flat tire
Gurl are you Quantum Mechanics ’cause you got 10 different interpretations of everything, none of which fully corresponds with reality.
– “… He accidentally drank some radioactive milk and became_
– MILKMAN!!
– No. He became gravely ill and died. What are you? An idiot?!”
*queen points out window*
“what’s that flashing out the window?”
“Lightning, My Queen”
*car busts thru window*
DID I HEAR LIGHTNING McQUEEN
A haiku to my boss who asked me to work this weekend:
Ha ha ha ha ha
Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha
Ha ha ha ha no
For the low, low price of a $25 donation, you too can be totally annoyed by me for several days until you pay another $25 for me to shut up.
I have three kids. I should be terrified of sex.
[God creating bees]
GOD: make some of them fuzzy
ANGEL: thats good
G: make them sting
A: okay
G: and let’s give them teeth!
A: too far
djs are so lazy man. been listening to mixes all morning and they’re all using the same carbon monoxide alarm sample faintly in the background
Not to brag, but I remember to take the cap off of a water bottle 75% of the time before taking a drink.
When my wife forgets to fill up the fishtank I lower the ceiling a few inches every day until she remembers.
Mom I’m running away! No I don’t need a jacket! Mom no I’m fine I don’t need a jac- mom! No I don’t need you to pick me up later mom! MOM!
me: *on my 100th crunch at the gym*
employee: ur getting cheeto dust on the weights
My toddler has had a rough day. I gave her regular milk instead of chocolate and Peppa Pig didn’t oink enough
If someone overtakes me when I’m walking, I match their speed so it looks like I’ve got friends.
Me: what do you call an insect that used to work for a rideshare company?
Her: don’t
Me: exuberant
Her: what is the opposite of a crime of passion
One a scale of keystone light to jaeger how drunk are you sir?
PANCAKE
ok I need you to step out of the car