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Next time someone says “I’m a hugger” and tries to hug me I’m gonna say “I’m a biter” and see how it goes.
[date]
ME: Tell me about yourself
HER: I love good listeners and Fred Astaire
ME: That’s weird
HER: What is?
ME: Being afraid of stairs
If life gives you raisins, there’s not much you can do.
why’s it called Top Gun when the guns are on the bottom of the plane
Me: the enemy of my enemy is my friend
Enemy of my enemy: no, i don’t like you either
Axl Rose: You know where you are? You’re in the jungle, baby
Tarzan: yeah but why are you here.
4yo: You have wrinkles.
My Friend: Those are pillow indentations.
Me: But you have them every day.
Friend: I sleep every night.
Dm: Hi
Me: but have you even accepted Jesus as your Lord and savior?
Follow your dreams. Search through your dreams mail. Show up drunk on your dreams doorstep. Kidnap your dreams. Never let your dreams go.
Be carefully which minty aromatic
plants you accidentally step on.Thyme wounds all heels.
My favourite part about playing video games is probably thwarting evil. You never get to thwart anything in real life. I like to thwart.
“This year sucked, next year will suck too.” Enough negativity, let’s hear something aspirational. In 2024 we will put all tik tok content creators in jail
There’s no such thing as detoxing your body, but enjoy spending three hundred bucks on your diarrhea.
Don’t judge me because it said “family size” and I ate the whole thing.
It might have been meant for a really small family.
Calls restaurant:
Me – Hi, is your place kid friendly?
Host – Yes it is.
Me – Thank you.
Host – Would you like to make a reservation?
Me – Nope.
A 16 year old climate activist wins the Nobel Peace Prize and I’m over here explaining to my 9 year old, for the 17th time today, that the hole in his undwerwear goes at the front.
someone described my girlfriend’s skin as “sun-kissed” recently and now the sun’s about to catch these hands
Bring back the McRib
the human says there are two options. inside or outside. but if they would simply. elevate their mindset. they would uncover a third option: stand in the doorway. and sniff the air
*shoots self in the foot and screams in agony for 20 seconds*
*hits ‘stop recording’ on outgoing voicemail message*
[girl texting me] you left a sprite in my fridge
[CUT TO] Me, crossing step one off of my “secretly move in with her” plan
“Haha! That’s ridic-” Bill started to say, but his words trailed off as an heirloom sprang from behind a tree, sinking its fangs deep into his neck.
me: I’m becoming very forgetful lately
doctor: can you give me an example
me: of what
It cannot be a coincidence that I am in the market for a stable girlfriend on the exact same day that Britney becomes single.
I’m so poor I can’t even pay for my own consequences.
Student: “May I go to the toilet?”
Teacher: “What for?”
Student: “To open the Chamber of Secrets”
*exercises sarcastically*
[sees a squirrel walking, not running, out of a cemetery] sweet jesus this is how it begins
Home Alone 2? Shame on you. Home Alone 3? Shame on me.