As everyone was arguing about politics, no one saw me leave with the pecan pie.
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“Fidget toys” is just a term used by folks who got tired of folks yelling at them to stop flipping their goddamn keys.
The writing is on the wall, or on my teen’s arm because I needed to write down a number and couldn’t find a piece of paper.
All of my tattoos mean something. For example, the Chumbawamba lyrics on my rib cage mean I don’t drink tequila anymore.
When asked about performing in a musical for Andrew Lloyd Webber, Meatloaf was quoted as saying “Oh I would do anything for Lloyd, but I won’t do Cats!”
It’s important to vary your diet. Like, yesterday I had popcorn & a margarita for dinner so tonight I’m having popcorn & wine for dinner.
I’m at that age where I can no longer refer to other people as “elderly.”
“You have too much stuff”
– My parents, who constantly leave stuff at my house
To shoot someone, never aim at his chest.
Aim at his smartphone.
He’ll die faster.
If you use the word “whatevs” I will refuse to drink with you, unless you’re buying me a drink then whatevs.
There is a famous person next to me at this coffee shop. You can tell he’s waiting for me to say something. Not gonna happen. Not gonna give him the time of day. Just going to sit here and continue making machine gun noises with my mouth
BOSS: I need to see you in my office
ME: *I begrudgingly take off my invisibility cloak* oh alright
I hate when my foot falls asleep and I have to kick a coworker in the face to wake it up.
Mr. Miyagi: It’s simple Daniel san, wax on, wax off
Daniel: Yeah, but your back hair, bro?
What Kermit (the frog) is called in different countries:
10. Kermit (Denmark)
9. Kermit (France)
8. Kermit (Japan)
7. Kermit (Slovakia)
6. Kermit (Italy)
5. Kermit (Canada)
4. Kermit (Iceland)
3. Kermit (the Netherlands)
2. Kermit (Poland)
1. Gustavo (Spain)
she turns her curious eyes to the stars and asks them “it’s daytime. how can i see you right now?” the wise and beautiful stars respond “u are high as shit, my friend”
I can’t prove it, but from the sound of it, I’m pretty sure there’s an injured dolphin stuck in my dishwasher.
Too bad we can’t get paid for our funny tweets. I could probably make about $10.
[me reaching to adjust my Nest thermostat]
Thermostat: Just what do you think you are you doing Dave?
Son: What’s this spell? *waves finger wildly in the air*
Me: I’m not sure, bud.
Son: PAY ATTENTION! *aggressively waves finger wildly in the air*
Me: Ummmm, truck?
Son: Were you even looking? Try again. *pointedly waves finger wildly in the air*[repeat ad infinitum]
Kids be like “That is the funniest thing I’ve ever heard” and it’s just the word duty.
No, he would not have.
If Mona Lisa was on Instagram
[sees cute girl jog by]
“Imma run up and ask her out”
[one block later still not caught up]
“Ok, wow, we probably weren’t soul mates anyway”
ME: *grasping wife’s hand* omg he’s going to say his first words
WIFE: c’mon buddy you can do it
WAITER: can i get you two started with something to drink?
MY WIFE AND ME [excitedly]: d’awwwww
Granola Bars, for when you’re hungry & also want to teach your mouth a lesson
The problem with the exclamation point & question mark being side by side on a keyboard:
I’m so sorry your grandma died?
I love you?
Bookshop in Fowey, Cornwall.
Who’s your best friend?
Turns out men don’t like being asked when their due date is either