In my day, milk crates were used only for their God given purpose – holding your record albums
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[lightning strike super close to our house]
5-year-old: Missed me.
me, every single month: why do i feel like shit. why am i so bloated. why am i so upset. i have never felt like this before in my life
If you get a call from a telemarketer, give the phone to a child and tell them it’s #Santa.
I swallowed an ice cube yesterday and still haven’t pooped it out.
I’m getting really concerned.
Nothing brings neighbors together like a few cops cars in front of another neighbor’s house that no one likes.
[spelling bee]
Judge: Your word is McConaughey
McConaughey.
M-C-C-O-N-A-U-G-H-E-Y, McConaughey.
Did I get it?Judge: We have no idea
Officer, why do you say “full body cavity search” like it’s a bad thing?
STEP 1: Sign up for email newsletter
STEP 2: Receive email newsletter
STEP 3: Delete unread email newsletter for the rest of your life
Just now realizing my Girl Scout cookie purchase was 370 boxes too low
I don’t know what’s a video game and what’s a movie anymore. I think I was trying to play a movie for a few hours last night.
It’s so easy getting women wet, it’s refilling my bucket back up with water quickly enough I find challenging.
Of course everyone says that their kid is SO smart. No decent parent would ever say, “This is my boy Jack, he’s as dumb as a bag of hair.”
One of My Ex’s was absolutely beautiful. But, it didn’t workout because all she wanted to do was SWING.
I miss third grade.
John Lennon: Help! I need somebody!
Anybody: I’d be happy to—
John Lennon: Not just anybody!
Anybody: Okay then.
My financial situation is so bad, I’M being sponsored by a child in Africa
Retweet to save a life.
#NationalGirlfriendDay
If you see me jogging, please kill whatever the hell is chasing me.
The whispering voices in horror movies but they’re complaining about unfolded laundry.
The History Channel; because where else are you going to learn about how aliens were instrumental in the development of humanity?
Son: I have to bring a giraffe to school tomorrow
Hub: *types in zoo coordinates & grabs keys*
Me: He means a graph
Hub: I GOT THIS HONEY
8yo: Is it okay if Dylan comes over?
Me: Is he the one with the PS4?
8: Yes.
Me: And motorized scooter?
8: Yes.
Me: And trampoline?
8: Can you drive me to his house?
He’s dead
*shakes the ATM like it’s a vending machine*
I react to seeing a pizza the way most women react when they see a baby. It makes me want another one of my own.
“Bluetooth or Insane?” is a fun game we all play when we see a lone person speaking out loud in public.
One time my kid sassed at me with a raised voice and quickly apologized saying, “Sorry I have Voice Immodulation Disorder.”
Then we laughed and laughed and anyway, how many months is enough time-out?
This is just a quick reminder that we’re all gonna die one day so don’t get caught up in petty shit also stop stealing my tweets Greg.
Diets are like religions. The moment I find out that thing I like isn’t allowed, I’m out.
if the benadryl doesn’t work use the back of a shovel