I loved him with a fervor I normally reserved for carrot cake.
That.
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horse: [driving in a car past people in a field] PEOPLE!
A good man is hard to find, but a babysitter for Friday night is harder.
This is my pinned tweet
waiter: have you decided
me: yes, we’ll have the garbage bag that smells like scraps of salmon and coffee grinds
my date, who is a raccoon: perfect
octopus = 1 octopus
octopuses = 2 octopuses
octopi = 2 roman octopuses
octopodes = 2 greek octopuses
octo-potus = president of the octopuses
Do my kids help me cook? No.
But do they like what I cook? Also no.
Ok, but do they at least come when I call them to eat? *deepest, longest sigh imaginable*
In 2000 years, people will celebrate all this with chocolate eggs delivered by an imaginary rabbit.
~Time travelling me, to Pontius Pilate.
Posted a photo of my clean house on Facebook and it was flagged as fake news.
“This certificate shows i named a star after you.”
“Thank you, I also got you nothing.”
SON: mommy I’m scared of the bogeyman
ME: there is no bogeyman honey
SON: he’s not real?
ME: oh he’s very real. but I hunted him down years ago
SON:
ME: there was so much blood
SON:
ME: [whispers] his head is in the basement freezer
put a pic of a girl with perfect abs on my fridge so I’m motivated to suck in my gut every time I pull out the ice cream
Today I bought new wipers at Canadian Tire, walked out to the parking lot and replaced them, threw the old ones in the trash can by the main doors, walked back to my car, only to realize I replaced the wipers on the wrong car.
I don’t mean to brag, but I do all my own auto repairs.
*turns up volume*
SEE! THE RATTLING SOUND IS COMPLETELY GONE!
teacher: your son doesn’t think that 6 is a number
me: oh lol totally forgot we told him that
If you think you’re attracted to me, just know that I make my sandwiches like this:
You never see zombies lying around being lazy, so maybe we should EMBRACE the possibility of a zombie apocalypse. I think it could turn some of us into real go-getters.
[right after sex]
Me: so that was uhh-
The Flash: I KNOW OKAY?!
If you take terrible vacations, it’s more exciting coming back home
I learned to play guitar so people would stop asking me to go camping.
My daughter just asked “if you’re waiting for the waiter, doesn’t that make you the waiter?”
Me:……….
*pushes vending machine over
NO YOU’RE OUT OF ORDER!
Maybe the raccoons threw away something very important. Did you ever think about that you big jerk.
when it’s time for me to follow thru with plans I agreed to
Kylo Ren: I am your father.
Rey: We’re roughly the same age. You’re just copying everything Vader said.
Kylo Ren: NOOOOOOOOOOO!!!
Imagine being all knowing and still putting a snake in charge of apples
Roses are red
Violets aren’t ferns
Since I’ve been with you
When I pee it burns.
eating my hot dog hamburger style
They say it takes 10,000 hours to become an expert at something. Please. You wanna know expertise? I’ve spent over 300,000 hrs being a moron
The woman in line behind apparently wants to slowly put her body inside of mine.
*looks back seductively*
[walks into doorframe]