Everything at the mini mart is normal-sized and I feel so betrayed.
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Microwaves are just clocks that also heat food.
I downloaded “ambient coffee shop” track. Just low talking, dish clanking, & one lady yelling “Finn. Look at mommy. FINN. You want a scone?”
Words I thought I would never have to yell from the kitchen into the living room: “DON’T GIVE THE CAT SCOTCH!”
Social distancing has taken all the fun out of avoiding people.
I went to a seafood disco last week and pulled a mussel.
[first day of work as a 911 operator]
“Hello, 911”
Hi someone’s trying to break into my house
“holy shit call 911”
“LOOK AT MY ASSHOLE.” -Cats
Thanks for explaining my tweet to me I was wondering what I meant
If you wanna make someone cry just show them the earliest year they can retire
30 is the new 20 until you hang out with 20 yr olds.
SNL labels their bathrooms comic relief
Matthew McConaughey walks into a bakery…
Matthew: “Can I get three loaves of bread please?”
Baker: “What type do you want sir?”
Matthew: “All rye, all rye, all rye.”
The Wizard of Oz: A teenage runaway gets caught in a storm, commits manslaughter, & crosses state lines to see a man more than 3x her age.
Pro-tip to avoid corona-virus
Eat garlic.
Lots of garlic.
It won’t do anything against the virus, but it will keep other people away.
The key to being a good conversationalist is giving a great conversationalist room to talk
I’m just eating cereal out of a bucket now, like a horse
We never dreamed that one day we’d sit at work and use our phones to spy on our mailmen with our doorbells.
I like to play this fun game while I clean out the fridge called what is this, how long has it been in here and how do I kill it?
90% of marriage is seething hostility towards your spouse for being on their phone once your own phone dies
*runs into long lost friend*
Him- I started out on the bottom now I’m a district MGR. what do you do?
Me- I disappoint people
Something extremely foolish must be done about all this.
Instead of saying I agree 100%, I like to say I agree 80%, just to leave myself a little wiggle room in case your theory turns out retarded.
Writing “and eat it” at the bottom of my neighbors’ little “pick up your dog’s poop” yard sign
Hate when other parents at school drop off act like they’re better than me just because they remembered to bring all of their children
Someone said “30 years ago”, and my mind went to the 1970s, but they meant 1994, and now I need to lie down.
If history has taught us anything, I’d be surprised.
Your “poetic” tweets would be so much better if Adele hadn’t thought of them first
Anime is real
Getting a speeding ticket in Alabama wasn’t what upset me. What upset me was how long he took to give it to me and he put me behind 15 minutes on my GPS arrival time so I had to speed the rest of the way anyway.
The IRS will never call, text, or e-mail just to ask if you’ve got plans to do something fun this weekend.