My kids do not talk to me like I’m their best chance of an organ donation.
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Not to be racist but all of my kids sound the same on the phone.
If someone offered to give me a million dollars to name the two teams playing sportsball today, I’d make exactly no dollars.
might be residually stoned but i keep reading “moonfall” as “moo ‘n fall,” which sounds like the cow version of a slip ‘n slide, and god as much as i love disaster movies i’d much rather see cows having fun
angel: whatcha making?
god: *plugging a snake into an electrical outlet* eel
God: So I was, all, what if there was a fish made of jelly? Like, jelly but alive and in the sea? LOL
[angels look nervously at one another]
Forcibly removed from the bowling alley for throwing overhand again
Went to an outdoor restaurant in the rain once. Took me two hours to finish my soup.
I lock the closet that holds my skeletons very tightly. Learned that lesson the hard way after the dog ran off with the wife’s femur.
Me: “Get me a can of Stella from the fridge please sweetheart”
10: “Do you give girls names to all of your beers Daddy?”
Me: “Stop asking silly questions Heineken.”
Who.
Did.
This?
*drives motorized scooter into meeting I’m late for, around the conference table, and out the door*
Employees must applaud the planets.
Protip: If you refer to yourself as “someone” when explaining something bad that happened, your wife will always know that “someone” is you.
Him: tell me about your longest relationship
Me: *thinking furiously* does Windows 95 count?
I was just reading a list of 100 things you should do before you die.
I am surprised that “Yell for help” is not one of them…
im VERY laid back. i only care about 2 things:
every person on earth & their opinion of me
the crushing psychological weight of being alive
Sorry I scratched your car with my rough winter elbow.
her: this isn’t going to work out
me: [mouthful of mashed potatoes] ith id bu-
her: yes it’s because of the mashed potatoes
Me: I just love dancing naked in summer rain!
Neighbour: that’s it, I’m turning the sprinkler off right now!
[me on Ellen}
Ellen: so i heard you like to tell people directions
Me: that’s right Ellen
Therapist: so your parents also suffered from depression?
Me: no they both liked it
If someone acts shocked that you haven’t read a certain book, the best response you can give them is, “Yeah, I heard it sucks”
Friend: You sent her off to her first day of Kindergarten! Did you cry?
Me: Of course I cried. I’ve been waiting to feel this kind of freedom for five and a half years.
Boss: do you have Twitter?
Me: what’s twitter?
Boss: no seriously
Me: ……
Me: no hablo Inglés
*pulls away from kissing*
JUDGE: That was unexpected and kind of nice, but you’re still guilty.
I can relate to blenders because I also scream while I’m doing my job.
peep davidson
My problem with the 15 minute city is what are you supposed to do with the rest of the day?
Psychologists say that sleeping naked can help boost a person’s confidence, but nobody in this bus seems to appreciate it.
My friend returned a Tupperware container without the lid, so now I’m offering a reward for its safe return.