I was an aspiring ninja until the ankle cracks made it impossible.
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If there was vomit on my sweater already from mom’s spaghetti I think I would just stay home. No rap battles for me tonight please, I am unwell
Just pointed out to my in-laws that their anniversary falls on hump day, so follow me for more tips on creating awkward family moments.
remembering the time i crashed an oscar watching party with a handful of TV people in los feliz and brought a tres leches cake as my offering to have one of the actors stand up and declare it was “DAIRY” with a measure of disgust
My new years resolution is to stop biting my toenails. Nervous habit I picked up during all these meetings at work.
Just saw a horse drawn cart. Wasn’t a very good cart. Horses are terrible artists.
Leaving restaurant: “That was lovely”
Outside: “Well, it was okay”
In car: “I mean, it wasn’t great”
Back home: “We won’t go there again”
Me: My car makes a weird noise when I turn.
Mechanic: For how long?
Me: Just until I’m done turning.
Mechanic:
During a natural disaster be sure to keep your phone with you at all times. You never know when you might think of a joke to tweet.
Remember when we used to eat cake after someone blew all over it?
Good times.
[airline check-in]
SERVICE DESK: ok, I see you have no bags to check, you must be traveling light
PHOTON (wearing fake mustache): haha what makes you say that
The cashier seemed to appreciate that I bagged my own groceries until I unpacked them all and said, “That’s how I want you to do it.”
9yo: “Hey mom? Do we have any duct tape? And before you say anything, I PROMISE we’re not going to put it ON anyone. I mean like…not exactly anyway.”
What month is it? Why is summer so long?
back in the 80’s, we simply didn’t have the dog technology we do today
A car with a car rack looked like a police car, so I slowed down, only to realize I had been tricked into obeying the law FOR NO REASON.
Don’t be fooled by what your kids will eat at someone else’s house.
No one told me we would be forced to eat brussel sprouts at that haunted house.
My husband noticed my wedding rings on the dresser and was upset about me not having a visible sign of our covenant to each other
I told him the bags under my eyes said taken loud and clear
Haley: Hey how’s it going
Hayleigh: I’m beighsicalleigh okeigh
What is love?
You just sang “baby, don’t hurt me.” In your mind didn’t you?
Mice are just frozen Mwater.
My boss at the stencil factory once asked me to make a template for work, so next morning I went to the temp’s house and let her tyres down
Hey girl are you a new high efficiency dishwasher because you’re so quiet it’s hard to tell if you’re turned on
[picking her up for a date]
ME: you should know that i have a baby from another marriage
HER: really?
ME: yes, but the parents haven’t realized it yet so we gotta hurry, get in
“Bob’s coming over”
Bob from work or Bob who thinks he’s a cop?
*knock on door* OPEN UP, POLICE
*flushing drugs down toilet* “Bob from work”
Me: *walks to counter* One large fry.
Cashier: Sir, there’s a line.
Me: Oh, they’re not with me.
Having allergies is so embarrassing. Could I have some medicine? I’m being bullied by the air.
Cutest fight ever.. 😊
[1st date]
HER: So do you have any hobbies?
SALT SHAKER: Nice dress! It would look great on my floor
HER: What?!
HIM: Just ventriloquism
My son is wearing earbuds with no music playing so his sister won’t talk to him and I’m jealous because that never works for me.
[on a rollercoaster with my cat]
Me: Are you having fun, buddy?
Cat: *has already fallen out of the seat*