I swear, even my ex lasted longer than my phone battery does.
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I need to stay vigilant while venturing into the ocean this week.
Sharks be looking at me like “I can get three meals out of him.”
The inventor of predictive text has died.
His funfair will be hello on Sundial.#1PUN
Me: Go ahead.
Waiter: Huh?
Me: You’re staring at my hair. Go ahead & touch it.
Waiter: There’s a leaf in it.
My friend is a meteorologist so when he wants to hang out I tell him there’s a 100% chance I’ll be there and then I don’t show up.
#rubbishjokes
How many programmers does it take to change a light bulb?None – it’s a hardware problem.
Don’t sweat the small stuff. Don’t sweat the medium or large stuff either. Stop perspiring on everything. Take your sweaty ass elsewhere.
Top prank: when your friend falls asleep, place his hand in a bowl of warm water so he wakes up with one regular hand & one wrinkly one.
Fun fact: Girls who tweet about sports will not do that thing you like.
The best backflip ever!💕🤗🤗
°at Nike advertising meeting°
I need a slogan for these shoes by the end of the day. I don’t care how it gets done just do it..hold up a sec
There is no App,
To Replace your Lap!Read to your child.
#Mothersday #booklovers
Any house is an Airbnb if you’re quiet enough
My gangsta career was brought to an abrupt and tragic end when my homies caught me sipping on a frappucino doing my taxes
[When your mom calls you by your full name]
Mom: Scoobert Doobert!
Scooby: Ruh roh
[me narrating a documentary about narrators]
“I can’t hear what they’re saying cuz I’m talking”
Having a panic attack thinking about how there’s somebody in Australia standing directly under me
Trying to motivate myself to go for a run, but it’s windy outside.
And outside.
REP: we are pleased to provide u with the highest level of customer service!
ME: oh sorry, got the wrong number. was tryin to call comcast
I’m not sure if this is the same kind of plague, but I smeared my period blood on the door frame just in case.
[looking through my closet]
Girlfriend: Omg, where did you get all of this amazing vintage clothing?
Me: 1991
When I walk into a car dealership, I bring twenty senior citizens that are dying to talk to someone, so I can look at vehicles in peace
Concierge: I’m afraid we’re all booked up this evening
Me: Maybe this will change your mind *slides bill across desk*
Concierge: Sir…
Me: If you want the rest of your duck you’ll find us a table
anyone know what happened at the 2nd noel?
My skin is so dry that I can’t tell if it’s kidding.
me: hey big boy
friend: please don’t talk to the Lincoln memorial like that
If there was any question as to what kind of teenager my 7yo will be, last night she pulled out a toy cellphone and started pretend texting during her own bedtime story
Wanna know my secret to rock hard abs? I ride the mechanical duck outside the grocery store 300 times a day.
Throw stones at people who live in glass houses. They won’t throw them back because they’ve been told their whole life that they shouldn’t.
Just replaced my mailbox with a trash can.
I’m Scottish and Irish, so when I asked my grandparents for stories they’d just tell me about various family feuds.