“We need something strong and durable to protect cellphones from damage”
LG: Plastic?
Samsung: Metal?
iPhone 8: What about Glass?
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*at the pharmacy*
I WOULD LIKE THE PILLS THAT ALLOW ME TO CONTROL BIRTH
*pharmacist blinks*
GIVE THEM TO ME, SORCERER
carolers: *knock on door*
(Simon Cowell answers the door)
carolers: *gulp*
“This is the ride that killed Jimmy.”
– me in line, loudly, at amusement parks
Me, yelling my head off every day.
14 yo son: Sorry, I didn’t hear you.Pizza delivery driver exhales at front door two floors down from bedroom.
14 yo: Pizza’s here.
Tech Twitter in a nutshell 😂😂😂
7-year-old: I don’t want mashed potatoes.
Me: They’re just like French fries.
7: Then give me French fries.
There’s a flaw in her logic, but I can’t find it.
“Nice to meet you. What’s your real name? Want to see my dick?” – Every Kik convo, ever
Monday?
No. Next question.
can’t believe alcohol is the legal one. when I get too drunk I want to make the worst mistakes of my life. when I get too high I want to mix all the dipping sauces and be a better friend
Saw a teen couple buying condoms in the pharmacy so I let my grandbaby run around their feet & whispered ‘that’s the brand my daughter used’
I want to open a shelter for neglected and forgotten passwords.
I was drinking water while laying down and missed my mouth. I get waterboarding now.
“Keep it in your pants,” I say, refusing to put my husband’s heavy key ring in my purse.
I’ve never been to hell, but I once forgot to buy batteries for my 6 year old son’s toys on Christmas morning.
Answering this for men everywhere & this patient. Yes, it is unusual & incredibly icky to flirt with me while I’m checking your prostate.
I made an appointment for laser hair removal then remembered that I don’t have any laser hair.
People who have drive and determination impress me. Yesterday one of my kitchen drawers got stuck and I was like, guess I’m never using a fork again.
My mom, watching a scary movie: Be careful if you’re going in the backyard, I thought I saw someone walking around out there.
Me: What. Like a cat?
My mom: No, it was definitely bigger than that.
If I’m ever captured as a spy, all they’d have to do to get me to talk is put my house slipper on the wrong foot.
inefficient if literal:
a dust bowl
We can say “winter is coming” in a normal way again, right? Like it’s been long enough?
I smile whenever I say “cheese” regardless of whether or not my picture is being taken
HIM: promise you won’t tell anyone?
ME: yeah! [under my breath] except my best friend
HIM: what?
ME: nothing! [whispering] there is a hierarchy of loyalty and your position on that hierarchy is low
HIM: what did you say?
ME: that ur secret’s safe with me 🙂
Karate isn’t always the solution but when it is, it’s the ONLY solution
Cat: HUMAN TERRIBLE THING HAPPEN TO CAT
Me: what
Cat: WAS SLEEPING IN SUN PUDDLE BUT SUN PUDDLE IN DIFFERENT PLACE NOW
Me: yeah Earth’s rotation means the sun is constantly changing positions in the sky
Cat:
Cat:
Cat: MAKE THAT NOT HAPPENING
Me: I can’t
Cat: UR USELESS HUMAN
Dinner: I BIT THE INSIDE OF MY MOUTH! IT WILL NEVER HEAL! NOTHING WILL EVER BE RIGHT AGAIN!
Next morning: Oh, OK.
[furniture store]
Wife: We’re putting in a bar.
Salesman: OK
Wife: And…
S: Yes?
W: Go ahead, say it.
Me: WE’RE GONNA NEED A STOOL SAMPLE.
ME: (meeting the devil) I love your eggs.
People who say that they don’t have time for my bullshit should wake up an hour earlier
Juicing changed my life. I went from being overweight, to being overweight and owning a juicer.