Never debate an idiot. Idiots never know when they’ve lost. That’s one of the reasons they’re idiots.
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“I’m sorry I didn’t see your text, I didn’t have my phone” is bullshit.
“I’m sorry I didn’t see your text, my phone was four feet away and a cat climbed into my lap” is real. It’s possible. It’s terrifying.
Friend: Sorry. Are you annoyed?
Me: *chainsaw noises*
Today in my local Canadian newspaper there was a strongly worded editorial about littering.
As you can tell from my outfit, I am not a nudist.
this plan is WAY too aggressive imho
I booked a suite at a 5 star hotel and when my girlfriend arrived,on the bed spelled out in rose petals was “be right out,I’m taking a shit”
inflation so bad pets are getting jobs
You politely tap a jogger with your car one time, and suddenly you get labeled a hero.
Just met Darth Vader’s very corrupt brother – Taxi Vader.
My kid once went into day care and told them that she’d been watching ‘the nudey nudey boy’ on tv
Jungle book…she meant jungle book
To me, being Single means never having to apologize..
Unless someone drops by my disgusting house unannounced
I’m not self medicating myself with booze. The guy at the liquor store wrote me a prescription.
Well he called it a receipt…whatever.
Me: You Miss 100% Of The Shots You Don’t Take
Vaccination clinic nurse: You are already boosted. Please Leave
judge: *banging gavel* guilty
me: *twirling my hair* of being too handsome?
judge: *giving me a little kiss on the cheek* of murder
Who has 3 thumbs and needs an alibi?
Me: Do you love me?
Husband: What did you break this time?
At some point you’ll think you have this parenting thing figured out. Then your child will ask you to take the cheese off of their macaroni.
M: I just can’t find the words.
H: She’s kidding, give her a minute.
If you love something set it free. If it comes back, celebrate with some delicious tacos. If it doesn’t that’s twice the tacos for you.
[ER]
Doctor: How did you sprain your ankle?Me: I rolled it during a marathon.
Doctor: That’s really impressive.
Husband: She tripped trying to beat a family to a food truck.
I thought my house was falling down but it’s just my 4 year old working on his drum solo with my pots and pans
I bet when David Hasselhoff gets too drunk he roams the streets screaming “KITT!” When he can’t find his car.
The bigger issue about the Hobby Lobby decision is the fact that people working in a craft store are getting laid more than I am.
Fun fact: they used acronyms back in colonial times too but DOS meant Dead of Smallpox and LMFAO meant Lost My Farm and Outbuildings
Hot chick at the bar just said that she’s gonna do something stupid tonight…
…I informed her that I only had a 1.75 GPA in high school.
The Passion of the Christ 2: Jesus in Space
He conquered the sins of the world, but can he conquer the sins of the galaxy?
Have you ever just looked at someone and knew that their cornbread isn’t baked in the middle
All men reach an age when we greet each other with “There he is.”
All of my passwords are the names of various “Friends” characters. Except for Ross. I’ve never used Ross. Not after what he did to Rachel.
Camping tip: No.