PALM READER: *reading my palm* Eggs, milk, flour-
ME: *laughing* Sorry, that’s my shopping list. Try the other palm.
PALM READER: I can see from your life line that you have a passion for cake baking.
ME: *gasps* How can you tell?
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[Jesus Feeding of the 4,999)
ME: *gets back in line wearing fake mustache*
We all have that one friend who returns our yacht a little too clean.
You act like you’ve never seen a grown woman ride a carousel horse without kids.
Having a tattoo in a hidden place is really just entertainment for the coroner.
I’ve had worse
The kids wanted the Zero Gravity Laser Racer, a toy car that follows a laser.
I handed them a flashlight and pointed at the cat.
Just settled a divorce over Parrot custody/visitation. Neither may teach it negative phrases abt the other.
I went to law school for this.
*Hulk smashes thru courtroom wall*
SOMEONE ASK FOR INCREDIBLE WITNESS?!
Judge- no, CREDIBLE!
Hulk- shit HULK VERRY SORRY BOUT YOUR WALL
My dog went to the vet for a check up. they said they needed to get a pic for her profile.
I log into the portal to get results and THIS is what came up 😂
My dog really needs to learn how to drive a stick
because what good is fetching one bottle of vodka.
Just asked my husband if he wants to have sex. He said no and went back to his puzzle. Good to know I sill got “it”.
It took a full year of homeschooling but I managed to teach my children how little I know.
I got dumped by my therapist, she said “ she needs to work on her”
how do we expect our kids to learn from our mistakes when we’re still out there buying too many bananas just like our parents did
Ruby Tuesday lures you in with the promise of “bottomless fries” but then escorts you out with “you have to wear pants in here”.
my friend is guilting me for watching the funny ad youtube put before “how to do the heimlich maneuver” while he was choking
(Couples therapy)
-Listen to me, buying matching bagels isn’t going to help
The wife’s clearing out the fridge before vacation so I’ve a pork chop, 3 slices of ham and 6 bacon rashers for dinner. The sad thing is knowing I can never again love her as intensely as I do right now.
me: well it’s technically the bride of frankenstein’s monster
hostage negotiator: we should get back on topic
If you see a man running down the street tonight, blowing a whistle & wearing a life guard shirt…don’t worry, I’m just chasing my dream.
Baby carrots were deprived from their mothers’ love and their childhood just to satisfy your hunger you vegetarian bastard. Good job.
hm so saying “oh god” and “oh yes” during sex is acceptable and encouraged but as soon as i say “oh text RESIST to 50409 to support net neutrality” im suddenly ruining the mood??
House arrest? Some people are so freaking lucky!
That awkward moment in the confessional when the priest says “Thanks for that mate. I’m actually the cleaner. Wait til the lads hear this!”.
“are you ok?” no i took the cereal bag out of the box and now it won’t fit back in
*detective bangs on table*
I SAID GIVE ME A NAME!
“Uh, Aaron?”
Aaron… I like it!
*’Aaron’ leaves interrogation room, ready for a new life*
me: 867-5309… and this is your REAL phone number?
her: yeah, sure
YouTube: hey we saw u watched a video about a thing
Me: great, would it be possible to fill my entire feed with that thing, forever?
Nobody puts baby in a corndog.
What are you hiding in your locked instagram? sandwiches? Sunsets???? let us see your nephew!!!!