My brain: Don’t worry. I’ll remember.
[1 MINUTE LATER]
My brain: So you’re not going to believe this…
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Mum was fed up of the squirrels stealing all the bird food so she greased the feeder!
I saw a guy with antlers on his car, so I shot it.
*marshmallows
*chocolate
*graham crackers
*lighter fluid
*matchesCashier: “Going camping?”
Me: “Nope”*wine
*tampons
Me: *Sweeping*
Wife: Excuse me
Me: *Slams broom on floor* YOU SHALL NOT PASS
Wife: …
Me: That’s from lord of
Wife: MOVE!
Me: *Moves*
IF SATAN IS READING THIS PLEASE MAKE THE FINGERBOARD ON MY DESK DO 1 FLIP
My dentist can do it all, from a simple cleaning to identifying my charred remains
Someone in South Korea accused North Korea of having assassination squads.
That’s a lie.
On an unrelated note, I need that guy’s address.
Don’t judge me because I only have $4 in my pocket.
Judge me because I stole it off my daughter’s night stand.
This guy in my office is a little paranoid and it’s making it that much harder to poison him.
Edward Cullen: How long have you been 30?
Me: *long awkward pause* A while…
The scariest sound is an unknown crash followed by my 9 year old yelling “It’s OK! There’s nothing wrong! You don’t need to come up here”
I SHOULD HAVE WRITTEN THAT DOWN
An Autobiography
INTERVIEWER: Why did you leave your previous job?
ME: Because once they fire you they won’t let you stay.
Did I save this free pizza promo code or did it just save me?
I wish there was enough room on TV for another show called Judge Judy, but where people just stood around criticizing a woman named Judy.
It’s an unspoken rule on garbage day that pajamaed neighbors pretend not to see each other.
I’m proud of my age even if my birth certificate was carved in stone.
“If you break up with me, I will beach myself.” -dramatic whale
me: do you take walk-ins
dude at the crematorium: what
me: I may have added too much salt
my snail girlfriend: my brothers will avenge me
You know your kid is Canadian when she’s watching football and asks why no one is skating
*Abandons ship*
*Ship gets adopted*
*Tracks down ship in adulthood*
*Ship is happy and wants nothing to do with me*
Instesd of avoiding typos, embrance them. No one will pint them out if you spell everythinj wring.
[at a Doja Cat concert]
me [loudly]: PSPSPSPSPS
I like putting my socks on the hot dog spinner at 7-Eleven so they get toasty warm and so that I attract dogs towards me all day long
how come some families are all, like, “we’re direct descendants of many important historical figures,” & my family is all, like, “that raccoon is your uncle cletus.”
Teacher: Name the five senses
Me: Uh lessee, touch,
uhm…taste…gimme a sec. Uhm whimsy…uh- balance… and fashionTeacher:
Me: *counting on fingers* What?
Me: I’m going to shower
6: you’re beautiful! You don’t need to shower!
Me: Aw, than-
6: just some make up would help
Why can’t they use deep fake technology for good instead of evil? Like taking zoom meetings for you. Stuff like that.
I couldn’t remember the word tumbleweed