me: ok, we’re all tired, let’s go to bed
5yo: what did you do to be tired?
me: *eye twitches*
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thinking about the time someone asked me if there was any dairy in the tres leches cake i got. yes there’s tres
Does grape jelly go bad or do I just have wine jelly now?
“Lloyd, could you keep your eyes on the road, please?” Oh. Yea. Good thinkin’. Can’t be too careful. A lot of bad drivers out there.
Comic 🥺👉👈💗❤️🔥
Could u imagine you send ur son off to professor Xs school thinkin he has a better life now, you look on the tv and juggernaut just threw him into a building lmfaoooooo
Sorry I disappeared for 3 years, I was getting tiny pieces of styrofoam off my hands.
Bootstraps
Buddhist Monk sees kid in Nirvana t-shirt:
“You like Nirvana? What’s your favorite step on the 8-fold Path?”
Kid: Nevermind
“Yeah, me, too.”
[standing at the hospital nursery window with other new parents]
ME: this zoo is terrible
When an object reveals that it has some biological similarities to you don’t get so hung up on that phrasing. To me as in we are alike? To me as in I am its recipient in an exchange? One of your aloof scientist deadpan friends has started to freak out about the garage sale.
Me: Do you wear clothes under your robe because otherwise it would be too itchy?
Attorney: My client means, “not guilty,” Your Honor.
Yup.
SON: can I yell bomb at the airport
DAD: no
SON: I can yell boom
DAD: boom’s ok
SON: how about “my mom’s a lesbian now”
DAD: please don’t
Hubs cleaned out the garage without being asked so I’m looking back over the Ashley Madison list just in case I missed something.
they should invent a device that lets other people comprehend how stupid I know them to be
Me: *excited* I bought a bunch of Christmas carbs just like you said!
My boss: You mean Christmas cards?
Me with doughnut glaze all over my face: what
My boss: what
“Then we are agreed: we shall have a duel to the death at sunrise. And if I oversleep you will start without me.”
I only use balsamic vinegar made from the finest of ballsams.
[restaurant]
WAITER: And to drink?
ME: I’ll have a coke and a pepsi.
WAITER: Is pep…um…Is cok…ok…Is…I…what..
*waiter spontaneously combusts*
Wife: You were right.
Me: Say it again.
Wife: You were right.
Me: Again.
Wife: You were right.
Me: One more time.
Wife: You wer-*wakes up*
I work all day in front of a MEDIUM screen, so I can sit all evening looking at a BIG screen while scrolling on a SMALL screen
me: [selects “send verification code as text” on a website]
me three seconds later: oh boy a tex mesage
Use Angie’s List if you want a plumber to come over.
Use Craigslist if you want that plumber to come over with no pants.
I just ate dinner. At 4pm. I am SO prepared for my 74th birthday
“A mean dog is terrorizing people a few towns over. I am going to drive over there & yell at him from my car.” – Barack Obama
[First ever Snail Olympics that started 350 million years ago]
Millennial snail announcer: oh shit here they come
Technically… It’s only illegal when you get arrested.