Counting calories is a great way to combine super fun things like math and not eating.
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Why aren’t there more Christmas songs about revenge?
Ghostbusters (1984): A large, jovial marshmallow sailor is burned alive amid the crossfire btwn humans and ethereal beings.
I just want the courage to stick with my choice of medium sized refreshments after the cashier tells me that large is just 25 cents more.
On the next “Unsolved Mysteries” my wife and I investigate how there aren’t enough hangers for the clothes we washed when they were on hangers before we wore them.
the human says there are two options. inside or outside. but if they would simply. elevate their mindset. they would uncover a third option: stand in the doorway. and sniff the air
I pretend I have a “tax guy” because I’m a very busy businessman and not because I’m an idiot who won’t follow instructions
Website: Are you a robot?
Me: *sighs* Man, if only.
Boss made me put a nametag over my left bosom. I leaned over and said, “Now, what shall we name the other one?”
Do you realize that if real women had the same proportions as Barbie they’d be only 11.5 inches tall?
Coworker: You smell good. What is that? Armani?
Me: Thanks! It’s Febreze. I just took a dump.
got banned from Trader Joe’s for my controversial political opinions (or because I keep taking cheese into the bathroom)
One of the worst parts of the pandemic was, without a doubt, when celebrities checked in to tell us how difficult their lives have been having to quarantine inside their mansions.
You hate me: I’m the person that gets stuck in the slide at a water park. Everyone smashes into the back of me and we ooze down the slide in a sad people pile. I’m so sorry.
*brings vasectomy paperwork to speed dating*
Doctor: [puts my arm in a sling]
Me: wait—
Doctor: [fires my arm out the window]
Me: wtf
Doctor: [shouting out the window] next time it’s a leg STAY OUT OF MY PARKING SPACE
People who say that they don’t have time for my bullshit should wake up an hour earlier
{At funeral}
*holding widows hand* I’m sorry for your loss. He had so much updog
“What’s updog?”
*pats her hand* Not much what’s up with you
Movies, when someone gently places a blanket over a sleeping woman: she smiles in her sleep and snuggles in.
Me, when someone gets within 5 feet of me while I’m sleeping: starts boxing the air like Rocky on his second wind taking down Drago.
I have a bad habit of starting things and never finishing them.
Let’s all be thankful I’m not a surgeon.
Why does the alien civilization keep sending spaceships that don’t know how to land?
If you’re starved for time, eat a watch.
Whenever I see a hot girl on the streets I’m like HOLY CRAP I’M OUTSIDE.
cats are so dumb how do u only learn how to say one word ur entire life
People this one of the best days ever (next to the time with the guy in a van) @funTweeters is now following me- suck it Dane Cook
The ostrich may have the right idea
but I hate sand in my hair.
If you’re ever bored in a taxi I recommend mouthing, “Help Me” to strangers and watching their facial expressions
I just read a story about someone finding a dead body at a Walmart. HOW EMBARRASING, I’d never be caught dead at a Walmart.
Indian parents give you unmoanable names so you can focus on studies
Women are like bacon, they smell great, taste delicious and kill you slowly.
Men are like bacon because we’re pigs.
[An alternate reality where Smurfs live among us and I see Smurfette at the bar and she’s looking real good]
Me: Hey I think you’re really bluetiful